When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
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Everyone’s family
I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”
At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.
I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
You know when kids get a break at school and they go to the playground and they just run around and scream?
I think I should be allowed to do that in the car park at work
The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no
How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It’s like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.
I’m less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring.
Friend: You’re Catholic?
Me: Yes
F: And you eat meat on Fridays?
M: I can guarantee if I’m going to hell it’s not for eating meat on Fridays
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.
[in hell]
Me: *sneeze*
The devil: bless you
Me, waving as I float to heaven: haha, fool
the devil: DAMN YOU
Me, floating back to hell: dang
I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.
Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.
I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills
Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.
I think long & hard before using innuendo.
yeah i’d have thought so, he’s a cat
The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat
hear me out : pockets for your socks
Finding out how big of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan I truly am was understandably pretty tough for my daughters, Raphael & Leonardo.
likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.
No, you’re not getting it your honor
ME: Should I sneeze into my hand?
DOCTOR: No, sneeze into your elbow
ME: Can I shake hands with people?
DOCTOR: No, bump elbows with them
ME: …
DOCTOR: …
ME: …
DOCTOR: Let me get back to you on that last one