When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
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I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around
Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.
Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?
Dr: I hate this job.
“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before
“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?
My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:
“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”
Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes
Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise
Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!
Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!
*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.
Me and my dog accidentally butted heads. We’re both fine, but I’m concerned about my wife. She keeps asking me who the President is and I correctly tell her every time Ronald Reagan.
Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.
I rinsed a big spider down my kitchen sink and then I put coffee grounds down. Now I’m worried a caffeine-fueled arachnid is going to leap out and come after me.
Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.
CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…
Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP
“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.
I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.
*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room
Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:
– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun
Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.
I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”
“GENTLEMEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH TROY AND MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵
~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.
I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.
this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain
Not wearing deodorant because I put lotion on my hands and couldn’t get the cap off
I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong
Sorry I licked my fingers before shaking your hand when we met, but I had Cheetos dust on them and I didn’t want to seem gross.
Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.
You’re welcome.
70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.