Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Canadian owl: Eh?

if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito

Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”

Judge: “How do you plead?”
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: “Hot milky”

just read an article that said stray dogs will “elect” the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch

💀 😭

I’m going to remember this night forever!!!

Tequila – You sure about that?

[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Bourgeoisie
ME: Really? W o w
JUDGE: *annoyed* Sir, the word is Bourgeoisie
ME:*clears throat* Eff – U – See – Kay – U

“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.

Me: and now turning to slide 23, in conclusion I think we can all agree that this is not the outcome we were hoping for

Widow: *taking back microphone* how did you know my husband?

Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: Sure!
Me: OMG really?
Wife: Wait. Did you say quickie or cookie?

Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.

Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase

Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line

elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part

ME: I’ll have the chicken dinner.
WAITER: Yes, sir. *throws corn on the floor* Here, chick chick chick.
ME: *pecks at the ground* Excellent.

I was walking down the street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB.

That was a trip down memory lane

[Hair Salon]

Stylist: What would you like?

Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.

(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!

~ Toddler selective hearing

*Daycare drop off*

4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.

I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?

One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.

Until then, I’ll keep eating.

My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down

My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol

Friend: can I borrow £20?

Me: No.

*slides me £20

Friend: How about now?

when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap

All I want for Christmas is a domesticated raccoon that wants to eat lasagna with me & go on quirky adventures. It would also be nice if the raccoon could do magic but I understand that is asking a lot and therefore, it is not required.

So Beyonce had a strict diet prepping for Coachella..no dairy, no carbs, no alcohol, no meat, no fish, and no sugar. I know some women with that same diet prepping for a wedding. You are marrying a guy name Dan who eats chicken pot pie at diners, ya’ll can have some bread.

Me: [drinks SlimFast]

Me: [takes off shirt]

Me: [drinks SlimFaster]

I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words