Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.

[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?

I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.

me: I quit my job as a waiter

wife: what? how will you keep putting food on our table?

me: *scoff* I remember my training, linda

Scientists: we have invented healthy food

Me: are you sure it’s healthy

Scientists: …no

Me: are you sure it’s food

Scientists: …no

Them: Party like it’s 1999

Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer

I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.

A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.

If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.

My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks

I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.

Instructions in the Men’s Room for hand washing. Because non-hand washers can’t be bothered unless there’s an opportunity to learn stuff.

oh you like road-trips? name every road then

My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser

edward fingerhands

*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.

#FunnyLife Insects

hardest line in real life

God: Basically u just chill.
Cow: Nice.
God: I mean, at first.
Cow: …then?
God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.

People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.

my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.

“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”

I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.

I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.

The neighbours that overlook my garden must be religious. They’re always buying me pants with notes saying ‘for the love of God please wear these’.

Dan and I had been lovingly gazing at each other in silence for a couple of seconds and at the same moment I eventually said “you’re very handsome” he blurted out “do you think I’d be a good mayor”.

Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.

Coincidence?

You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.

The perfect job for me would be the person staining things for detergent commercials.