When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
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I am having an out of money experience.
[Busy Diner]
Waitress carrying 4 plates: “OK now, honey. Who was eggs?”
Me (highly educated): “In a sense…” (scrunching up eyes to read her name badge) ”…Barbara. All of us were once eggs.”
Mornin. * use accordingly
thinking about my old neighbor that named their WiFi “your arms too short to box with god” and my other neighbor that named their WiFi “super long god boxing arms”
if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners
alcoholic: you drive me to drink
designated driver: ok
THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s
About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.
Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
captain: hand in your gun
me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger
“I’m very proud of my teeth. I’m going to show the humans my teeth. They’ll love them.” —Great White Sharks, probably.
*accidentally grabs a fork from the silverware drawer instead of a spoon but I’m too lazy to go back so it takes me 47 min. to eat my soup*
My in-laws are visiting…
This is their homicide note.
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
My 5yo and 6yo are playing restaurant. My 6yo’s restaurant has a no baby policy. My 5yo has 5 babies and is very angry about this. She’s causing a whole scene at the restaurant. The babies are crying, it’s crazy. I’m trying my best not to get involved in this.
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid
Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-
Me: the bottom half
Waiter: very good, sir
50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.
Hiring manager: what would you say are your greatest weaknesses?
Me: probably men with hairy knuckles. Oh, and a moist pot roast.
me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
Why would I want to talk to your baby? On the phone. It’s a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.
Personal trainer: How’s your diet been going?
Me: Absolutely amazing
Personal trainer: May I ask what you’ve been eating?
Me: You may not
Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber
*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*
Q. Why did the ghost’s dessert come back when he threw it?
A. It was a boo meringue
Not reading the replies to this
5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?
Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it
5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?
Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover