Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I’ve completed a psychological profile on myself.

Brain: What have we learned?

Me: I need to stop talking to myself or wear a Bluetooth device on my walks.

Brain: Will this help to keep people from staring at you?

Me: Maybe wear clothes too.

My hot flashes are so bad, I bought a frozen pizza and by the time I got it home, it was all brown and bubbly.

Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?

Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.

I’m not saying my 4yo is an optimist, but while putting groceries away he held up a bag of cookies and said “I’ll just keep these in my room, ok?”

Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate

The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.

Sister: You need more friends

Me: *phone vibrates* I have plenty of friends. In fact one just texted me

Text: Carol has put your pizza in the oven

Me: Haha that is classic Carol

I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.

Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.

Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.

[45 minutes later]

*gallops up to window on stick horse*

No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.

When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid’s hand right up to their first drug deal.

My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.

*[at the sperm bank]*

I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.

Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it

My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.

Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean

My 4-year-old:

“Why did you leave your last job?”

-I had a typo in a tweet.

“Mistakes happen!”

-I worked for Yahoo Finance.

“Thanks for coming in. Bye”

Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.

5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start

One of my favorite stories about the great James Earl Jones is that when he did voiceovers, he asked for a bowl of fruit, and after his session was finished, he dumped all the fruit in his bag and left.

Wife: *points to 2-year-old* Her shoes are on the wrong feet.

Me: That’s what happens when she puts them on herself.

Wife: I watched you dress her.

Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.

Why is it called “owl city” if there’s 10 million fireflies and no owls. should be called firefladelphia.

I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.

Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.

[at dinner party]
Me: Excuse me, a bit of an announcement.. Jenny and I are expecting a kid. She is 4 months pregnant.
Vegan: I’m vegan

When you lose your phone and someone says ‘shall I call it’ like my phone hasn’t been on silent for the last 2691 years.

The look of utter betrayal on my son’s face when he gets up past his bedtime & sees me eating cereal & watching cartoons is priceless.