When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori
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[on a date]
me: *whispers to waiter as I slide a $5 across the table* I’m going to the restroom. Make sure he doesn’t touch my fries.
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.
I better fix the hinge on this cabinet door before Ryan Gosling comes over, takes his shirt off and builds my lady a house.
Operator: 911, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, so I’ve heard of leaving your kid at the fire station, do they do pickup as well?
This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.
When your child makes a full inventory of their Halloween take so they can tell if they are being robbed by a family member.
Curiosity didn’t kill that Black Cat. It was Jesus. It crossed his path and Jesus is very sensitive about being crossed.
I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids
People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up
All we want is to get laid and for no one to touch our cell phones.
Heard rumors that a coworker slept her way to a promotion. Damn, if the bosses only saw how much I sleep at my desk I’d own this place.
I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
Big Bad Wolf: I’m here for the cookout
Three Little Pigs: We’re not letting you in
Big Bad Wolf: This blows. Heeeeyyy, wait just a minute!
ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape
INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses
“Woah woah hey woah”
[me attempting to breakup a fight]
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it
A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
I feel like one of these would kill a European
As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.
Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.
I love how my 4yo takes the time to stop what she’s doing to give me advice whenever I’m struggling, “maybe next time take the bread out of the oven before it burns.” That’s a good point, thanks.