When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori
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me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant
friend: hi dave
dave: brilliant
i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults
The Carpenters did not have nearly enough songs about hammers or sawdust
“911”
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast
Good morning y’all ☀️
i love the term “partner”. are we dating? are we detectives on a case together? are we cowboys? are we cowboy detectives in a relationship? there’s no bad answer
Therapists listen to anything you wanna say. The other day I was like “there is so much hair in the world and I feel like we could be doing something powerful with it but the hairdressers won’t comply” and my therapist just nodded
the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING
My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything
There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.
Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help
My wife takes our trash to her work dumpster to save our trash bin for god only knows what.
This is THE tweet I hope she doesn’t find.
“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” I whisper as I discover my strange mole is actually a half melted chocolate chip.
Vader: I am your father!
Random kid: Really?
Vader: You’ve got like 30 siblings. I’m kind of a man whore.
I feel it is only fair for a recipe to indicate up front how many burners it requires. For example a 3 burner recipe would be a no.
My 4-year-old’s questions while watching me put on makeup for 3 minutes:
-Why is your face melting?
-Why do you make your face look evil?
-Why are you biting your eyeballs with those scissors?
“Thats an exercise in futility” OK great so Im exercising
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.
The next time you’re hesitant to call or email your elected official because your issue doesn’t seem important enough…
Just remember how many times they texted you begging for $5
Veteran Parent Tip:
Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house
Prosecutor (showing slide): Is this your Yelp review history?
Me: Yes but
Prosecutor: 26 proctologists?
Me: What you have to understand is
Prosecutor: You described this one as “pleasantly judgmental”
What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
Me: Why don’t we have a nice, romantic bubble bath?
Him: Sounds amazing*flash forward*
Him: I thought we’d be taking the bubble bath together
Me: (from the other tub) My tub is too small for two, you know that. And say “over” when you’re done talking on the walkie, babe
It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.
That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us
My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.