Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches

I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.

Sitting next to a priest on my flight. I sneeze. I’m waiting for him to say “Bless you.” Nothing. I guess it’s his day off?

I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.

I want a ticket to anywhere. #FallonTonight

I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.

Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey

Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.

*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*

Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend

gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay

me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks

How soon into a new relationship should you let her know you’re an idiot

Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.

This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.

GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.

[at 25yr class reunion]

Me: You haven’t changed at all!

Her: Hahaha, thanks

Me: *leans in* That wasn’t a compliment, Diane

The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.

Me: hello, police? I think I’m living with a murderer! Last night, she came home with a body… Crap! She just came in.

Cat: *meow*

When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”

Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..

Going to start a dating site for bald people that’s completely free.

You don’t have toupee.

Bruh 😂

I eat my chips like any normal person, waiting to get to the perfect chip before I stop.

*crunch*
too salty

*crunch*
this one is broken

*crunch*
that one was perfect but I’m still hungry

*crunch*
not salty enough

*crunch*
broken again

I was riding my bike this morning and a guy yelled “Cow” at me. I turned and gave him the finger…and ran straight into the cow.

Don’t let Pennywise sour you on the idea of hanging out in the sewers. I met some of my best friends hanging out in the sewers.

wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”

Like on Amazon or in our house?

[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]

Me: Hi, I’d like to cancel my 8am appointment for tomorrow.

HR: For the last time, call in sick for work like a normal person!

For those who are Struggling with English:

Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo not

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