When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.
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Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”
20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!
Spell check is for lasers.
Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
PROFESSOR: We share 99% of our DNA with chimps.
ME: Okay so, like, do we take turns?
PROFESSOR: What?
ME: What if I need it and he’s still using it?
PROFESSOR: That’s not-
ME: I don’t want to fight him if he won’t give it back.
Salad is the decaf of food.
Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops
Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.
Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.
If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up
My wife had the audacity to tell me she “Wanted a break” like she doesn’t already get 5 minutes every day. The psychopath.
today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant
If I’m ever forced to go on silent retreat imma wear windbreakers and wet flipflops…If I have to suffer then so do you…Squeak squeak woosh woosh mf’ers
Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…
Body: LOL.
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
interviewer: would u say ur driven
[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]
me: oh yes
Me: getting the flu shot wasn’t so bad, was it?
5: it was really loud
Me: loud?
5: yes because I screamed the whole time!
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
*Infrastructure naming conference *
Crab : Let’s name it it the sidewalk
Other animals :Why should we do that we literally walk straight?
Crab:
Other animals :
Crab:
Other animals:
Crab :
Other animals :Okay we get it
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️
BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.
So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.
Doctor: I’m afraid you’ve got chronic updog
Me, embarrassed that I don’t know what the word chronic means: ah well, you win some you lose some
If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.
[the Schrödinger home – Vienna, 1897]
“You see? She is both dead and al-”
“Erwin, let your cousin out of the bathroom. NOW.”