When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.

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Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.


Bread goes in, toast comes out. EXPLAIN THAT, ATHEISTS!


I’m beginning to think that Judas Priest might not be a Christian rock band.


I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.


This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.


If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.


Found out there is a microwave with a built in toaster, and this is going to be the greatest bath ever.


if you hold a turtle shell up to your ear you can hear a turtle biting on your ear you dumb idiot


Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”


ME: If only there was an instrument that sounded like a really sassy duck.

CLARINET PLAYER: [excitedly moistening his reed] Buckle up baby.