When I say “we’ll see” there’s a 100% chance it’s not happening. I might throw in an “oooooo that sounds fun” for decoration but it’s still not happening…😁
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Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.
When I can no longer read the chart at the optometrist I just start spelling 4-letter words.
Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.
Me:How do you pronounce that?
*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together
One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”
Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no
Always a housemaid, never a house.
If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
Dude last night asked me “do you walk like that on purpose?” and I’ll think about it forever
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.
babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby
them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby
me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster
We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’
Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…
[ alone in a dark cemetery ]
me: marco
I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.
I slept like a log last night.
A badger pissed on me.
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it
Failed my Politics exam. “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world”.
Apparently “Tech Support” is not the correct answer.
[reading online survey]
Are you ready to double your satisfaction?
My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.
*clicks yes*
Me (severely dehydrated): This churro is overcooked, and I can barely taste the cinnamon
Lifeguard: sir, put down the pool noodle
Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.
A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
Me:
Pale people: I’m so white that I’m translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy
FRED & DAPHNE: *pull the mask off old man jenkins*
JENKINS: gosh darnit if not for you meddling kids I would have survived the pandemic
indiana jones: time to explore ancient caves, fight nazis, and seek treasure
idaho jones: time to eat potatoes again
*about to check bank account*
Me: “I’m guessing I should probably have about $200 left”
*bank account*: $3.64
Me: