When I say “we’ll see” there’s a 100% chance it’s not happening. I might throw in an “oooooo that sounds fun” for decoration but it’s still not happening…😁
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Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.
Last week: Plague.
Today: Tornado Watch.
Monday: Frogs. Just watch. It’ll be frogs.
Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.
I can’t convince the kids to come for dinner yet my husband convinced them he can do backflips, but only in his backflip pants, which he has misplaced.
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?
Me: Please, they’re starving.
FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
Trying to get lunch w 4 yo in restaurant: “If you can’t behave we’re going to have to leave here.”
“But I want to leave here.”
Touché.
My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.
“Should we order some plates to share” omg sure I love that! Or I could just order what I want and be so much happier but totally open to either
My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.
My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.
Hubby: If you could sleep with one of my frien…
Me: Frank
H: nd’s bedroom style decor
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: So you like shabby chic?
Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
*on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat
My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.
My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek’d
PLEASE DON’T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.
You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.
FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
[visiting America]
Me: Popeye’s? He’s that spinach eating health nut isn’t he?
America: sure is
Me: oh hell yeah, finally a salad for lunch
America: lmao nope
Say what you will about Elon’s management style, but before he took over all you guys posted was “ugh another day on this hell site” and now you’re all like “ah twitter the extraordinary place where I met all my best friends, started my career, had sex for the first time”
My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.
Me 🙂
My brain: there are dudes in prison who manage to find girlfriends on the outside, but you can’t get someone to text you back
Me 🙁
imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…
Post that you’re pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments.
Tweet that you’re pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
Me as a chef:
oops! 5 second rule!oops! 5 second rule!
oops! 5 second rule!
Pick up, table two