Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.

Child protective services?

Who’s protecting the parents Huh?

WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?

Fun tip:

Go to carnivals, scatter nuts and bolts around rides to cut down on wait times.

*thumbs up*

Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?

My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.

is this a threat

I don’t need a woman to save me from my bad choices per se…but if she knows how to tie a tourniquet, that’s a plus.

I like to take down Christmas decorations in stages. Right now in the stage where I sit on the couch with a cup of tea in denial that I need to take down the Christmas decorations.

white people writing latinos in fics: i kissed my ten brothers and sisters goodbye and stepped out of my pueblo on the way to school. i blast gasolina in my headphones as i walk past the mariachi band. sometimes it’s hard para me to creer because i olvidar a switch languages

Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?

God: let there be light!

vampires: wtf dude we were invincible til now

The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.

ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.

Passport agent:

The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.

i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud

My followers loving my retweets but ignoring my own tweets like greedy children gobbling up junk food & ignoring their nutritious vegetables

Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything

Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over

boss caught me photoshopping sir patrick stewart in different wigs so a visit to hr is probably on the horizon

*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*

WE ARET HROUGH

maybe it’s an anagram *rearranges*

ROUGH WEATHER

whoa better pack an umbrella

How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?

Nothing’s more infuriating than opening the in-flight magazine to see the Sudokus already half-done, in the colors of your rival Sudoku gang

If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.

My wife has been smelling gas at our fireplace insert for 25 years, and it’s electric.

I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face

Until my 30s I ate the whole Apple, core and all. When people looked surprised, I told them it was healthy; the ‘whole food’. Then my Mum admitted she’d taught me that so I didn’t leave rotting apple cores in the back seat of the car.

[crashing my bike]

spin class instructor: how did you do that

Why’s it called recanting your testimony and not deleting your account?

My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father

what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet