When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped
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[marriage counsellor looking at me after my wife is done speaking] why do you want to be on the masked singer so badly?
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you
ME: Is it because I thought cleavage was a period in history where they fought with only axes?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
When a woman texts you three questions you should only answer one. She will love that.
GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points
Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.
I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
I used to constantly compare myself to the people around me but, as I’ve grown older, I’ve got better at not having people around me.
[first day as an undercover cop]
mobster: are you wearing a wire
guy in my earpiece: say no
me: they said to tell you no
My kid just announced that when he’s a grown up he’s going to go to the ice cream shop every day, and now I want to be a grown up too
My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out
How’d you get those bruises?
*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*
Karate.
I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.
Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.
A cemetery foreman discovers that his employees cremated a body he explicitly told them to bury.
“You’ve made a grave mistake!” He fumes.
*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you’re not going to believe this
Every time I hear a mean joke about being Canadian, I go to the hospital and get my feelings checked for free.
🤪😜
Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.
Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.
Just saw a guy wearing “Eclipse 2024 Volunteer” t shirt. Holy shit dude. That was you up there ?
Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.
Him “I like you”
Me: “Meh, give it five days.
Him: “No I really like you”
Me: “okay. Ten.”Narrator * It would, in fact, take 4.
I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.
*ignores high blood pressure*
Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: Trying to get this piece of shit to play some music
Wife: Well 1st off, that’s my coffee thermos you moron…
At the motel:
Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..
Me: I’d like a wakeup call.
FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.