When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped
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Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche
Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: I said no.
Waiting in the coffee drive-thru line impatiently watching the driver in front of me chatting with the barista and my 12 y/o sighs and says, “C’mon, lady, she’s not your therapist, move along.” Never get between a middle school girl and her Frappuccino.
[texting my wife from the barber]
WIFE: where are you?
ME: just getting my hair cut
WIFE: ok. send me a picture of it when you’re done
ME:
I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that
If someone knocks on your door, knock back from the other side. That someone will go away. It works. Trust me, I just tried it this morning.
Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?
CUSTOMER SERVICE: is there anything else i can do for you
ME: you’ve been very helpful, can i have your name
CS: sure, it’s janice
JANICE: thank you
: you’re welcome
Wife: our friends won’t call us back cuz they’re sick of your conspiracy theories and seafood puns
Me: maybe they were all abducted by UFOs, seems awfully fishy to me
1 mojito, 2 mojitos, 3 mojittos, 4 mojjitus, 5 mogytus, 6 mujhitosos, 7 mojhgbvftos, 8 modfgtrescos
Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.
People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.
For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.
Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….
I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face
I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.
angel: so what are plants gonna eat, since they can’t move to find food?
god: *blows massive line* they’ll eat the sun
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
My husband and I have dedicated to potty training our 3-year-old this weekend because apparently we haven’t challenged our marriage enough lately.
watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy
I don’t know why HR tell me I’m not allowed to use the fire extinguisher unless there’s a fire, then get cranky when I start one.
Squirrel having fun.. 😅
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.
°pulls up to drive-thru°
[ME] ONE NUMBER 4 WITH A COKE
[FREIND] aren’t you on a diet
[ME] oh yeah..AND A BOOK ABOUT MANNERS FOR MY FRIEND
*taking training wheels off my old bike*
Mom: You’re not ready for this.
Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.
*starts pedaling; hits a tree*