When I see a couple fighting I like to walk up to the one who’s more pissed off and whisper “We can make it look like a suicide” and wink

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I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings


‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.


I sleep with a knife under my pillow. You never know when someone is going to break in and give you a cake.


*eating before going in Costco*
“Now I won’t overeat samples*

[5 mins later]

*slams cup down*
“Hit me again”

“Sir, that was motor oil”


[brainstorming movie scripts]

writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-

stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress


Commercial for Twitter:

“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”


Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.


Boss-You’re Always the first one here!

Me-Hey,*early bird gets the worm, right?

*gets to poop or drink coffee without 3yr old interrupting


When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.


Me: Baby-proofed the house like you wanted
Wife: Ya?
Me: Ya. Locks, fence, barbed wire, the works
Me: No way a baby’s gettin in here.