When Plan ‘A’ and Plan ‘B’ don’t work..
Plan ‘Shaggy’:
Say it wasn’t you.
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Batman: I’m the world’s greatest detective, you’ll never stump me
Riddler: what’s your secret identity
Batman: Bruce Wayne you idiot
Riddler:
Batman: you absolute fool
Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
ME: I got you a therapy cat
WIFE: THAT’S A LION!
ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach
grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk
My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.
My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world
Then: He has a woman in each port.
Now: He has a woman on each server.
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit
Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
Autocorrect completely socks
[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry
Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!
You want real 2020 energy? I went to the woods to avoid COVID and now helicopters are flying over my cabin because a killer is on the loose
there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
[history times]
THE EARL OF SANDWICH: By placing the meat between two pieces of bread, one keeps one’s hands neat for playing cardsHIS COUSIN, THE DUKE OF HAT-WITH-TWO-CUPHOLDERS-AND-CRAZY-STRAWS: I also have an invention
Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.
i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?
movie idea: Dracula, but he’s allergic to blood, so he gets diarrhea a lot (movie loosely based on my relationship with dairy)
Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”
Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio
“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.
Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.
i think i’m too much of a lesbian at this point. i was doing the crossword this morning and the clue was “Suck it!” and i had STRA_…my mind, uh, did not go to “straw”
She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.