When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.
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You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.
Shoulder Devil: So I say “Go on–do it!” And the moron does it!
Shoulder Angel: What an idiot!
Me: You guys know I can hear you, right?
Me: Sometimes I wish I wasn’t shy and introverted
Alcohol: I’VE GOT GREAT NEWS!
License and registration please.
“Bears.”
Excuse me?
“Beaaaaars.”
Are you drunk sir?
“BEAAAARS!”
Stop saying bea-
*cop is mauled by bears*
A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.
Me: *leads her to bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
Her: Nice
*4 rabbits jump out of a hat as a flower squirts water in her eye
A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.
You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…
Teacher: this is an E
Kid: what if it’s an F behind an L
T: no it’s just an E
K: how can u be sure
[3 am]
T: *wide awake* how can u be sure
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.
her: have i been a bad girl?
me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you’re a terrible person.
Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.
#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card
My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.
I’m whitening my teeth while I bake so I don’t eat and OMG, guys, did you know brownie batter is still amazing mixed with hydrogen peroxide?
She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.
[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent
I was makin out with a cute girl but it got ruined when she ran her hand up my leg and squeezed all the spaghetti out of my pocket
Doctor: *taps knee with mallet* feel that?
Me: No
Doctor: or this? *jabs toe with a pin*
Me: Nah
Doctor: Just as I suspected. This is my leg
The twelve days of Christmas be like:
Days 1-4: Birds
Day 5: FINALLY, A DECENT GIFT
Days 6-7: oh… more birds
Days 8-12: Slavery(?)
[Bar]
me: Gimme one more
wife: I think you’ve had enough
m: Last one
w: Fine
m: *asks waitress for another kids menu so I can do the maze*
random guy came up to me today and asked for my autograph, and i gotta say i was flattered. a little strange that the only piece of paper he happened to have on him was a life insurance policy on me for $1 million, but sometimes that’s just how it works out!
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
ME: [backing into driveway]
WIFE: Where’s the car?
If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?
[La Brea Tarpits]
ME: *gesturing for tour members* the stegosaurus was the calzone of dinosaur times
SECURITY: sir, hang on to the life hook or you’ll sink like your Segway