Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[1st date]

HER: So do you have any hobbies?

SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor

HER: What?!

HIM: Just ventriloquism

Them: I’ll be right back

Me: That’s not necessary

Me: *shares irrefutable and well known fact that no one has dared question in the history of the entire world*

5 year old: No it isn’t

You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.

The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.

Me: there’s just no way you ONLY have air conditioners

Lowes employee: *visibly uncomfortable*

Me: here’s the thing Curp

Lowes employee: it’s Curt

Me: here’s the thing Curd. I’m gonna need you to show me where the air shampoos are

*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)

I kinda want a boyfriend but then where will I put my purse when I drive?

10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat

Going down to the deli and standing a little too close to the slicer because haircuts are expensive

her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much

me: *points at coffin* well not everyone

Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly

A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.

The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.

I cleaned off the top of my desk so I’d feel like I accomplished something. Now I just have to clean up the floor where I threw everything.

My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.

“Boo!” — cow with a cold

Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.

*pulls out earbud*
What?
“We need to talk.”
*pulls out earbud*
“You’ve been spending too much time at Chernobyl.”
*pulls out earbud*
No way

this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw

My Mom says since I’m 33 years old she no longer has to watch me do sweet cannonballs at the pool. That’s total bullshit.

GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here

to get my cat to eat, I tell him about all the hungry cats in Catfrica

When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many

“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.

I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.

I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.

ME: I thought only old people got that

DOCTOR:

ME:

DOCTOR:

ME: Oh…

i know that the frontal lobe is not developed before age 25 because i got married when i was 24 and decided to get my first ever spray tan spontaneously on the day of my wedding.

Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.