Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.

Date: Once I dated a guy who wore those sneakers that light up when you walk lmao

Me *daren’t move* haha what a loser

Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny

Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey

Good News: Got rid of the skunk smell on the cat using hydrogen peroxide, dishsoap & baking soda
Bad News: the cat now looks like Billy Idol

When someone asks me why I’m in a wheelchair, I want to say something ridiculous like, “I’m not standing up until my grandson gets a Golden Ticket to Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory.”

Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff

I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.

Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?

Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.

Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat

Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.

Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law

Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.

[Christmas morning]

Kids: [all screaming while opening presents]

Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw

So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?

Shopping for a toaster yesterday I came across this review.

“Easy to use instructions.”

I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking

a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you

Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.

Me: *calls* How are my kids?

Grandma: We’re having so much fun

Me: Maybe they can stay with you a few extra-

Grandma: Come get your kids.

Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
Me: GNBKFSHBFFJJG!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!

*pets your eyebrows*

there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok

Judge “The defendant must answer in his own voice.”
Dummy “This is my own voice.”
Ventriloquist “I’d like to request separate lawyers.”

Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?

A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth

My husband’s birthday is soon and today I put a reminder on the calendar to buy him a gift.

Our shared calendar.

At least he already knows not to expect much.

The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.

Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.

My best friend just sent me a picture she saw on Facebook and I was all like,”is this the new school board?” And she was like, “um, isn’t that your son and the mock trial team?”
Anyway, I’m a REALLY GREAT mom.