When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane
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Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me:
This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form
Told my teen “I love you” when I dropped her off at school this morning and she replied “Thank you”
So if history has taught me anything, she’s probably leaving me for another mom soon.
*mugger snatching Elsa’s purse
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: CANT HOLD IT BACK ANYMORE!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Natty or not?
*do a little dance*
*make a little love*
*get kicked out of this funeral*
Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough
Me: If I had a nickel for every time a guy interrupted me, I’d-
Some guy: Be rich?
Me: -put them in a sock and hit you with it
Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented
I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…
All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.
~inspirational tweet
I don’t think my family will ever accept me.
First it’s “get a hobby,” now it’s “stop sacrificing our chickens to lesser-known gods.”
Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…
Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”
My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow
Me too door. Me too.
“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”
Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.
BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: then can I give some feedback?
me: I told you no
“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”
Me: My computer broke
IT guy: What have you tried so far?
Me: Everything
IT guy:
Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing
Parkour is the act of moving through an environment in the fastest way possible. It’s all about speed and efficiency.
Now imagine the opposite of that. The slowest, least efficient way, to get to where you need to go. That’s what happens when my kid says he’s taking a shortcut.
For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
Why is my purse so heavy?
*pulls out two tubes of sunscreen, extra pair of glasses, 3 cat toys, a circuit city gift card, and a 3 piece meal with two sides and a biscuit
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple?
Mom: No, sweetie. I don’t know how to cut them.
Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.
DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”
ME: “I understand.”
DOCTOR: “Exactly.”