Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.

9: Can I rent an otter?

Me: Uh, I haven’t had my second cup of coffee yet I can’t do this conversation right now

The worst part of getting struck by lightning is everyone seeing your skeleton

I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae

Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.

Siri: Step over the dog.

*first day as mall Santa

“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”

Got lectured today from my doctor about my glucose level. I knew I should’ve studied more for that blood test.

How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?

Wives – 3

Men – What?

if u wanna date me all u gotta do is ask and i’ll say no

Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…

“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils

Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.

Google, Microsoft and Disney are
among suitors for Twitter

Will it be

Twoogle ?
Twindows ?
The Wonderful World of Tweets ?

Be prepared

My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”

“dress for the job you want”

There’s a job you want???

*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”

HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.

sorry i left you on read i didn’t mean to open it just yet

Me: goodnight moon
Moon: It’s 6pm
Me: I know but I’m tired
Moon: I literally just got here

*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.

🤣🤣🤣🤣

Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.

I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie

Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.

Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.

If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.

70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.

WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!

~me, drunk, at a wax museum

Fluff me with a fork baby

JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body

JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood

JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat