Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.

Govt: How many dependents do you have?

Me: 7

Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]

*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*

As an aging millennial you may recognize me from popular hits such as, ‘I need to pencil in my eyebrows’ and ‘Omg this grocery store is playing my jams’

robber: me n Lenny will handle this job tonight, obviously you’re gonna be lookout again…sorry Joe

giraffe: this is bullshit Steve

Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.

Being Tall:

Pros:
Can reach high things, feel like an Amazonian warrior.

Cons:
“Wow, you’re tall!”
“Yes.”
*repeat for infinity*

Pan Left To Soak Now Predates All Current Roommates

my pug got a pup cup today from the starbucks drive thru while safely strapped into his car seat just like his wolf ancestors

Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?

Me: We have to be quick!

*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*

POLICE CHIEF: We need you to go deep undercover.
ME: How deep?
CHIEF: VERY deep.

[Later, lying on a blanket, looking at the stars]
ME: *Turns to mob boss* What do you think God is?

Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that

When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.

Follow me for more exotic Minnesota cuisine

[airport security]
*Beep*
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
*Alarm*
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*

It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.

Taking a screenshot on windows: *gently press screenshot button*

Taking a screenshot on Mac:
Command + shift + 3 + Steve Jobs’ birthday + 3.14159 + a drop of human blood

Why have I gained weight? I don’t get it. Is it the extra butter on the bread? The extra ham on the butter? The extra cheese on the ham? The extra mayo on the cheese? What?

this chia pet tastes awful

PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes

KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan

[to the tune of little drummer boy]

baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo

“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils

Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.

Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?

Robber: kindergarten probably

1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM

Safari is a fancy word for voluntarily putting yourself at the bottom of the food chain

When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.

Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.

Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?

Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!

astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them

he said he adored my imperfections.

and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????