when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology
You Might Also Like
6yo: Mommy, I hope you don’t have the doctor cut your belly open to get the baby out.
4yo: Yeah, hopefully they just do the way where they squeeze it out.
Me: I’m not sure either of you really understands how labor and delivery works.
“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: HE THREW A BALL BUT I CAN’T FIND IT
DOG 911: He still holding it?
DOG: YES! HOW’D HE FETCH IT BEFORE ME??
You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.
“So it’s agreed? If we’re both single at age 40 we’re doing this?”
Yes. If we’re alone at 40, we’re getting matching racecar beds
Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
Partner: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Oh why?
Partner: It’s the only speaking in single letters thing, it’s weird
Me: Oh. I see. OK
Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?
He thought he had job security…
My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint
They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.
Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
My 3-year-old was supposed to dress up as a star for the Christmas pageant.
She threw a fit and demanded a different costume.
Now there are three wise men and one Power Ranger.
Gordon Ramsey: AND WHAT IS THE SECRET SAUCE ON YOUR STEAK?!
Me *nervously hiding the ketchup packet*: It’s tomato wine, chef
When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.
waiter: wine?
date: I don’t drink
waiter: water?
me: she said she doesn’t drink pal
My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches
[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*
Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.
Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don’t eat meat!
Me: don’t forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China
[packing for holiday]
WIFE: U don’t have to only put suits in a suitcase
ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don’t make the rules Karen
My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.
Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.
“Wow you’re an English teacher? You must get so mad at the grammar on Twitter!”
I do not give one single shit how you choose to structure your thoughts on this free app made for character limited discussion.
I read my daughter a book about a Frogapotamus last night and dreamt of riding one. Tonight I’m reading her Hugh Jackman’s autobiography.
Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.
*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes