When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
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The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
What I ask my husband to buy:
Milk. Just milk.What he hears:
Some chocolate, doughnuts and trifles. Oh and milk.
My laptop: *cannot find printer*
Me: *gesturing* look it’s right there
You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.
You can’t have both.
I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
The downside of having kids is that if you touch any surface in your house you are now covered in toothpaste for some reason
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
its weird that when seltzer goes flat it doesn’t turn into regular water. you can still taste that something was Done To It
On a girl’s vacation while drunk, we all bought hotdogs and then tried to give someone directions. I gestured so emphatically that I slung the wiener right out of my bun and into the street, and then ate it anyway because a $5 dog is a $5 dog. Follow me for more financial advice
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*
*starts adding ice to my wine*
The inventor of auto-correct walked into a bar and ordered a bear.
“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.
You know what’s going to happen and it’s still funny every time 😂
Therapist: remember the key to a happy marriage is poise and self-sacrifice.
Me: [writes down poison self; sacrifice] that makes a lot of sense Doc.
I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
Superman: Where’s Batman?
Wonder Woman: *shrugs*
Firestorm: I dunno
Green Lantern: …
Superman: Oh shit, we forgot Batman can’t fly again!!
The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet and is also very judgmental about the dog.
︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎
What the world needs now is
a. love
b. sweet love
c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show
New Year’s Eve 1999. My brother sneaks down to the basement. As the clocks strike midnight, he flips off all the fuses in the house and cackles as everyone loses their minds upstairs.
I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.
funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?
How do I know you’re not a cop?
“If I was a cop, how would I have this?”
*shows police badge that just says ‘Not a Cop’ on it*
Oh, okay good
“Eat me,” said the noun
“Say what?” said the verb.
“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.
“Uhh…okay.” Verbatim.
Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean
Teacher: what are 2, 4, 6, and 8?
Steven: even numbers
Stephen: ephen numbers
Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.