When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
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How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.
Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.
Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.
God: go forth and multiply
Me: I was told there would be no math.
Me: I forbid you to go!
Her: What was that?
Me: You heard me! I said, “I’d really appreciate it if you’d reconsider!”
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
Her: You should have someone follow you around with a book of matches.
Me: Because I’m on fire with all these jokes? My sense of humor is lit?
Her:
Me:
Her: Sure, let’s go with that.
“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want
Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell
There was a frozen piece of salmon at the bottom of my fridge I tried to cook after seasoning but I’m realizing this is a mango
Autocorrect changed fries to friend and I think I’ve offered to eat my friend. I’m not sure if I should clarify, or see where it goes.
If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too
“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo
If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on
My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
[breakup]
Who should get the cat?
“I don’t know…let’s see who he loves the most”
{3 weeks later}
Can you tell?
“Nope”
I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.
Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?
When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.
Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠
FYI – when your pilot says “we’ll be on the ground shortly” fellow travelers don’t appreciate it when you loudly add “one way or another.”
(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?
*Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter*
Her: Did you want to buy that?
Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.
On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.
Jason: Honey?
Wife: Mmmm?
Jason: Where is my hockey mask?
W: I washed it. It’s next to your machete
J: Hon, that’s my work mask. If it’s all shiny clean and smells like Gain it just kinda loses something when I’m stalking camp councillors
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”
Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social
Victorian photographers like “Okay we have a two deceased relatives propped in chairs package or our popular one deceased, multiple poses plus family pet package. We can include coffins but the trend now is to have some fun capturing pics where it’s unclear who’s actually alive”