When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.
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[phone rings]
ME: Hello?
MOM: Are you watching the news?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Channel 2?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Bring a jacket anyway.
[Swims out to Sea]
*sees shark*
OH NO!
*dolphins save me*
Thanks dolphins!
*dolphins ask for a tip
[I’m broke]
*they return me to the shark*
“If you swallow cherry pits, a cherry tree will grow in your stomach” have you seen cherry prices lately? That sounds like a great way to save money
I FELL ASLEEP AND TOOK A NAP A COUPLE YEARS AGO AND SLEPT THROUGH JAN 6TH. I FELL ASLEEP A COUPLE DAYS AGO AND MISSED TRUMP GETTING SHOT. I JUST TOOK MY FIRST AFTERNOON NAP IN A BIT AND NOW THIS?
[getting ready for plans I shouldn’t have made]
ME: *standing in shower opening and closing shower curtain* here, killer killer killer
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.
Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit
I broke up with a woman once, she was beautiful but dumb, I kicked her to the curb because she couldn’t tell the difference between my bedroom door and the neighbor’s bedroom door.
Fat chances are my favorite chances
they see me scrollin
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.
“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
A young guy at work asked me if I’m ready for Christmas.
I’m 52 yrs old Connor. I just turned down my radio so I can see better. I’m not even ready for today.
Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark. But here at SharkVend™, we think we may have found a way to even those odds.
Before you have kids, practice yelling “GET UP NOW OR I WILL TAKE YOU TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PAJAMAS!” & see if it’s right for you.
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
*courtroom*
judge: I hear you want a new lawyer
me: yes I do
judge: what’s the problem? your lawyer is licensed to practice law in Ontario
me: I want a real lawyer. not just one who is practicing
My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”
It was a penguin.
My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
My new work colleague went to Argentina on holiday in September. I knew instantly he and I were not going to be friends when I said to him “at that time of year, it can be bordering on Chile” and he proceeded to tell me he was okay as he’d taken a jacket.
angel: they seem to be doing well
God: give them more diseases
angel: is that really necess-
God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla
Her: I’m hungry. If you loved me you’d give me breakfast in bed 😉
Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily
If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..
Keep. Him. 😂