When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.
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my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
Robocop: I am Robotcop
Criminal: You don’t say the t you robo moron
R: [visibly confused] Pu down he gun you are under arres
Me: You are not going to believe this…
Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child
Me: There is no toilet paper over here.
“What’s your name?”
“Sharky.”
“Is that your real name?”
“Does it matter?”
“I guess not.”
*hands me my order*
When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.
Worked a treat.
Got me twenty years.
cats have been bothering their humans since the dawn of time
Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
I just explained the concept of a nail gun to my 4 year old and honestly he’s never been this interested in anything I’ve had to say.
*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*
I wish I were this cool 😂
my roommate is terrible at remembering lyrics and is currently in the shower singing “something something armadillo, something something armadillo, something something armadillo, armadillo suitcase, we didn’t start the fire-“
I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes
Legos on the floor by her side of the bed
People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
Coworker: Wow, you look great! How’d you lose weight so quickly?
Me, without emergency loaves of bread stuffed in my clothes because it was raining when I left for work and I don’t like soggy bread: No bread
When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.
Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
[1st date]
HER: I’m really into PETA
ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus
I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.
1st child: you encourage creativity
2nd child: you encourage independent play
3rd child: you stifle all imagination to avoid a mess.
“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.
Me: I’ll end up doing the laundry later or later.
Husband: Don’t you mean “I’ll do it sooner or later”?
Me: Aww thanks babe, I hate laundry.
Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.
*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”
[dinner date]
Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.
Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
I appreciate the optimism, guys, but I’m fairly confident it’s going to be Charles.
Hosting Thanksgiving? Bring up politics so everyone will leave early.
My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.
