When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.
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Kids are making millions off apps and games they’ve created and I haven’t watched TV in days because I hit a wrong button on the remote…
[date]
HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog
ME: We’re all out of beef
CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken
ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?
“Wow you’re an English teacher? You must get so mad at the grammar on Twitter!”
I do not give one single shit how you choose to structure your thoughts on this free app made for character limited discussion.
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?
[First day as a plumber]
Boss: What’s wrong?
Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.
I remember when I used to play hard to get.. now I’m like hi i love you, ring size 4.5, my uterus is healthy, please marry me.
My son has reached an age where he’s becoming curious about the human body, so I think I’m gonna have to drag it out of the crawlspace and bury it behind the shed.
FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?
ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!-Amish drive by
When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”
Me: I’d like a nap please.
Domino’s employee: Ma’am, this is Domino’s.
Me: Ok one extra large nap and an order of cheesy bread.
*getting kidnapped*
Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits
Wife: do we have any Kool-Aid?
Kool-Aid: *Burst through wall* OH YEAH!
Me: seriously Martha?
Batman: *crashes through window* WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?
I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set
Dating Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: We’re so perfect for each other
Married Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: WILL YOU LET ME FINISH??!!
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
ed has no gf cuz sheran away
“Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*
I hope google does well on my son’s test
Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G
Yes, Kiddo drank her carrot juice, if by “drank,” we mean surreptitiously pouring it into my Boston fern.
This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.
“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish
UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes