When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence
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I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂
Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
[2050]
“Grandpa, how did President Trump ever get elected?”Well, we were a bit distracted. That was the year adult coloring books came out
I don’t want to forget anything so I always make a list before I go to the supermarket:
1. Get shopping
2. Pay for shopping
3. Come home
“Let them fake cake”
Marie Internette
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
Google search history:
Marawana
Marjawana
Is there a j in marawana
Wheat
Wheat for smoking
Free wheet
me: there’s a bunch of cars following us
date: yes we’re on a rollercoaster
Rich people don’t put their couches against their wall. I moved my couch into the middle of the floor and still haven’t gotten rich. Idk what I’m doing wrong here
[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
Some people say the key to a successful marriage is communication, but it’s actually keeping your mouth shut when they send you anything from the Internet that you already saw two weeks ago.
Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification
Little Mermaid remake: Ariel falls in love after seeing the tender way Prince Eric holds a fish in his Tinder profile.
legolas: you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
[everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
me: you may have a SMALL bite
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.
Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up?
Me: Yeah.
Wife: Good.
Me: Why?
Wife: No reason.
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Here, taste this.
when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:
Advertisers have been tracking exactly how much soup and noodles I’ve eaten over the last 20 years and are still somehow convinced that I can afford a Lexus.
[wife gets home & sees shit on the rug]
What’s this?“It was Rover he w..”
*dog makes throat slice gesture*“It was me. I shit on the rug”
On a scale of ‘woke up in the gutter’ to ‘CAPS LOCK IS TOO LOUD’..
How hung over are you?
Using self-checkout lane so I don’t have to interact with anyone.
Scans first item.
Register: … “Please wait for assistance.”
[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]
How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
I told my doctor that my back was bothering me. He said, “Get a bar & hang”.
Now I’m hanging out in a bar & I admit, my back feels better.
me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
*at bedtime
And in this corner weighing in at 32 pounds is a toddler calling herself the Intimidator. I see she has a “Sleep is for the weak” tattoo on her forearm and has made a strong move refusing pajamas and crying for mommy…
I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.