When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence
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“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
Today I was seated next to lovely, glowing, first-time pregnant woman, who looked me in the face and told me her child will be a mellow introvert. I let her have the moment.
Just watched the first half of Goodfellas, and it’s great. Being in the mob looks super fun, can’t wait to watch the second half where I assume the good times continue to roll.
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.
you learn something new every day oh god make it stop
After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.
What.
You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body
This is my daughter Amaranth, my son Sorghum, and our dog Millet. Sorry if the photo is a little — grainy.
Boom! Zing! This is free content!
My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’
7yo: Do you use glue to make slime?
Me: Yeah, there’s glue in slime.
*7yo walks off*
Me: *a few minutes later* Wait!
*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*
Me: This salsa is spicy
Of course I know about dates.
Each 100 gm of dates contains 75 gm of carbohydrate and 2.5 gm of protein.Much healthy.
Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident
Me: say no more
[Later]
Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet
If you were thinking of having kids, just know my 5 yr old daughter is upset and crying because her 3 yr old sister likes the same color as her.
ME [Puts up “Have u seen my dog?” posters across town]
HER: Oh no! You’ve lost your dog!
M: No I just think u should see him. He’s awesome
“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.
taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
Millennials are “quiet breathing” on company time, often inhaling AND exhaling at the office
18: Who’s saved in your phone as No?
Me: Like 10 different people, let’s just work on minding our own business.
Be the reason she can’t walk properly.
~ 5 inch heels probably ~
WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*
Netflix documentaries convinced me I should be vegan. So I did what any American would do. I bought some bacon and canceled Netflix.
coming to theaters soon: Dawn of the Rise of the Dawn of the Planet of the Rise of the Rise of the Dawn of the Apes