When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence
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“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.
Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.
All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.
My God! Have you seen the cost of funerals? No wonder people are living longer
my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.
message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.
Birds do it/Bees do it/Even educated fleas do it/Let’s do it/Let’s make people super nervous anytime we’re in their personal space
me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.
[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*
I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.
A good prank if you’re in line behind a baby at Starbucks and the mother isn’t paying attention is to give the baby a thousand dollars
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.
I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.
Me: *grins* Couldn’t help but notice you checking me out.
Girl: Yeah, I’m a cashier at a grocery store. That’s my job.
It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.
When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.
When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy
I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.
[being taken hostage]
*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest
God: you’re a koala bear.
Koala: yay I love bears!
God: but you’re not a bear.
Koala: oh.
God: yeah.
Koala: this is awkward.
God: it’s just bears have certain criteria.
Koala: so you’re saying I don’t meet the koalafications : )
God:
Koala:
God: that pun was beary bad.
*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”
Loan Officer: Denied
Me: maybe this will change your mind
*climbs on his desk & performs a perfect rendition of Take a Chance on Me, bank patrons are clapping & singing along*
Me: *catching my breath* well??
Loan Officer: ABBAsolutely not
1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively
Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.
How do you like your Corgi?