When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence
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If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.
Bring it.
Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark
My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.
True freaking story!
Not to jinx this, but last time there was a highly anticipated London wedding on TV, the groom said Rachel’s name instead.
We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅
Guy: Which way is left?
Me: *points to the right*
Guy: What is a horn for?
Me: Jazz
Guy: Where does gasoline go?
Me: *points to my tummy*
Guy: Excellent *approves my state-issued driver’s license*
Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV
“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”
Drunks & toddlers.
men what’s stopping you from looking like this
*1941 movie pitch*
“So it’s about an elephant w/big ears and we call him stupid then torture his mother.”
Walt Disney, “I smell a winner.”
Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.
I wanna party with whoever decided to ditch their shitstreaked underwear in the bushes at the McDonald’s drive thru.
Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.
Customer is always right
Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.
Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.
There’s so many streaming services and shows I just make shit up to recommend to my friends. You gotta watch Red Water on Home Depot Plus. It’s incredible. They just go “yeah I’ll check that out” like we all do when we know we won’t.
For April Fool’s Day, Pizza Hut Taiwan has rolled out a “flavorless” pizza, which is just a giant hole with nothing inside
I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.
When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.
they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.
Big decision to make? Sleep on it. Have a nightmare. Then you’ll be operating on pure adrenaline and choose more quickly.
You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake.
Dog-1
Human-0
Whether you rip off a bandaid quickly or slowly, I find it’s best to ask the wearer’s permission first.
has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?