When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted
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[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office
If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.
I see the Chancellor has raised passenger duty on private planes by a whopping 50%? Those multi billionaires are going to have to stop buying avocados and going to Starbucks.
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
Bf dropped his head for a full 30 seconds of silence bc he was explaining the stock market crash to me and I sagely supplied “it’s because mercury went into retrograde yesterday”
Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.
everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.
Haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching a priest use a crucifix to break up a fight between a raccoon & a telephone repairman?
Interviewer: Why do you think you’d make a good waiter?
Me: (says nothing)
Interviewer: are you…waiting?
Me: *nods*
Interviewer: holy shit
*night falls, the full moon rises*
ME: go, please! i don’t want you to see me…like…this
HIM: omg what’s happening
ME: *asleep by 10 pm*
Millennials are “quiet breathing” on company time, often inhaling AND exhaling at the office
The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
Find out if they really listen to you by occasionally replacing please and thanks with squeeze and yanks.
If we all club together we could raise enough money to buy Monday and have it destroyed.
I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.
I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
There should be LEGO movies of everything. LEGO Die Hard. LEGO John Wick. Hell I’d even watch LEGO 50 Shades of Grey.
The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.
LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.
DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.
mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?
-my 7 year old making the best of her public education
[GOING BACK IN TIME]
Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!
Everybody: The what now?
Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above