Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates

[interview]
BOSS: Any special skills?
ME: Skills?
BOSS: Like strengths
ME: Oh right. I’d say my vocabulary
BOSS: Hm…
ME: That means words

Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.

When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”

went for a walk, Very pleasant evening. the squirrels and rabbits kept running away from me. that stung a little. I will remember their faces

At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.

“C’mon… Get better…”
– Me poking reality with a stick

I may be a middle aged suburban male but I still enjoy going out*, picking up hot chicks** & bringing them home.

*to Costco
** rotisserie chickens

My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.

Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now

I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.

[Spelling bee]

Judge: Your word is ‘Invulnerable’.

Me: “I-N-V-U-“

Judge: I am pretty awesome.

WARDEN: any last words
ME: come closer
WARDEN: *leans down* yes?
ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down

Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot

Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body

This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.

The experts say: “Stop shoveling snow by age 45 and no later than 55 to prevent heart attacks”.

But if you’re 65+ and still shoveling snow they say: “Shoveling snow may be great exercise”.

Last winter I risked a heart attack. This winter I’m excercising!

My friend was complaining that when her husband gets dressed, he does sock, shoe, sock, shoe. What a weirdo! Everyone knows it’s sock, sock, shoe, shoe, pants.

Made a mistake by asking the toddler how many cookies she wants… now she’s pissed that I don’t have “ten hundred cookies.”

I can’t bend my pinky without my ring finger bending as well..is this normal?

Let’s hear your results ’cause I know you just tried it.

Then there were 3 sets of footprints & God said “This is Deb. She answered my Craigslist ad & U r the one who said we should try new things”

Your body is like Wonderbread…
Your body is a Rubberband…
Your body is like Disneyland…

John Mayer first drafts.

*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*

Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!

*first date
(Me, texting) This is awful. She’s boring, has no sense of humor & rude
Her: You know you speak out loud when you text, right?

Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.

[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]

cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children

GOD: why aren’t there more plants on earth?

ANGEL: the snails are doing a bad job of pollinating the flowers

GOD: ok then let’s go to plan bee

By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies

That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button

Banana is the quietest snack