When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard
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cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort
When you keep wishing for a good man but all you find is a severed arm washed up on the beach
My 4-year-old asked me what my name was when I was a kid and she was not ready for the wild coincidence when I told her I was also named Kristen as a child
I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule
no way 😭
Why aren’t more people talking about this?
I feel seen
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.
“We need something strong and durable to protect cellphones from damage”
LG: Plastic?
Samsung: Metal?
iPhone 8: What about Glass?
Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun
in college, i was on a first date with a guy and like 10 minutes into the convo he asks me if i would change my major to education so as to homeschool our future children. i was like wtf no way and now 15 years later he just looked at my linkedin profile.
That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.
So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
Apparently.
Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
me: i just saw a huge rat
starbucks employee: what
me: sorry i just saw a venti rat
employee: omg where
husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5
here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine
[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*
“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?
Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job
Me: Whats the salary?
10k now and will increase to 25k later
Me: Ok then, I will come later
Stop making me make accounts. A lightbulb that changes colors shouldn’t require an account. A TV speaker shouldn’t require an account.
Cat: What are you doing?
Me: Nothing.
Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.
Me: No
Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.
Me: No way.
Me: I’m not old
My phone flashlight that’s been on for an hour for no reason:
Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*
Me: Yes, “nice.”
Waiter: And what would the lady like?
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Date: Gigi, he means you.
Me: *blushing* Oh, wow. He called me a lady.
ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.
yes yes a thousand times yes!
Me: Can we talk?
Carmen: *hot gluing fruit to a plate and placing it on her head* This is my Samba hat.
Me: Pretty. Look, I’m really worried about you.
I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.