When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard
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Grammar tells us, ” ‘i’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c’ “.
But science tells us otherwise.
#GrammarDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
[God making peaches]
ANGEL: we already have nectarines
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them
ANGEL: what
GOD: what
My wife refuses to hire a housekeeper bc *checks notes* she doesn’t want them to see this mess.
The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.
Following a series of poor personal decisions I now owe the ferret mafia six grand and my only way out is to be the driver for a meat heist planned by a squirrel dragged back in for one last job, assisted by a weasel nobody trusts. Not even the stoat bagman.
Took away all my son’s electronic privileges, and now he’s so bored he’s given me 35 hugs.
May take them away tomorrow too.
I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
person i just met reaches out for hand shake
me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
My sons having a few friends stay over tonight
Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *checkHopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while
I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral
Dr Raygun has achieved a feat absolutely unheard of in academia – people are reading her thesis
“I am ahead of lettuce”
[I am fleeing from a terrible monster; a vegetable no human can hope to overcome]“I am a head of lettuce”
[I have become the monster; that which I once strove to destroy]
Absolutely no one
Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….
Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.
IF THEY’RE THE GREATEST GENERATION WHY CAN’T EITHER OF MY PARENTS REMEMBER THEIR FACEBOOK PASSWORDS?!
In tense moments i like to think “what would Jesus do” and then violently flip over a bunch of tables.
Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed
Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?
Feeling sad because my hamster died… Well he’s not ‘technically’ dead yet, but I ran out of food so it’s really just a matter of days.
i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot
I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.
There are 2 types of buyers in me:
1.immediately tracks package I ordered 5 minutes ago
2.turns over package from doorstep WHAT THE HELL DID I ORDER??
Will I be able to follow Children of the Corn if I didn’t see the prequels, Babies of the Corn and Toddlers of the Corn?
At some point, we need to be conscious of what kind of world we’re leaving behind for our limited edition beanie babies.
Me, for fun: What do you think you want to be when you grow up? Teacher, engineer, doctor, lawyer…
8, angrily: I have told you many times I WANT TO DELIVER PIZZA.
Me: Well, that’s considerably less stress. And tuition.
“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”