When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard
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As I was driving, some stranger yelled “what’s your problem lady?”
So I was honest, I said I drink too much and I can’t stop eating chips.
just found a error in Titanic: they play a song by Celine Dion, but the film is set in 1912 and she actually wasn’t even born until 1968
True statement👍😏😁
Dear Diary,
I went back to the gym for the first time since before the holidays today. Struggling to remember what it is I’m supposed to do here. I took a bite out of a dumbbell and that wasn’t right, but I’m close. I can feel it.
person: can you keep a secret?
me: I’ll never share what you say but it will weigh on me and negatively affect my life
person: oh thank god
Spider-Man
Spider-Man
Does whatever a spider can
Spins a web
Any size
Catches thieves
Eats those guys
Hey wait
Don’t do that Spider-Man
My wife is mad that my daughter is crying in this restaurant but she should be mad that our daughter is so bad at tic-tac-toe that I’ve beaten her 24 times in a row.
I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this
Death: your time has come.
Me: no! not now!
Death: yes now.
Me: but… I have to poop?
Death: ……damn it. Go on then.
Me: wow that actually worked.
My toddler: *nods sagely*
Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.
Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.
Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
4yo: Mom found this house and no one was home there, so we just went in.
Him: You… just went in?
4yo: Yeah. Just looked around at their stuff.
(A museum. I took them to a museum.)
My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.
I’m at the farmers market- anybody need any farmers?
* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes
[first day as chinese police officer]
me: guys…it happened again.
[police radio]: okay *sigh* push your fingers in gently toward each o…
You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning
Good news: I set an all time high today!
Bad news: It’s my cholesterol.
Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.
why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti
Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary
Cop on other side: what is he doing
3: *looking up at the lights* what’s that mummy?
me: they’re lights
3: no I mean the spirits in front of them
me:
me:
me:
3: what’s for dinner
Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”
Coworker: Do you have any kids?
Me: No
Coworker: Aaaw.
Me: But check back next week. Big shipment coming in. NO COPS.
Coworker: …are you okay?
Me: YOU WANT EM OR NOT?
Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.
a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.