Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kid saw a pic of teen me and almost thought it was her. I pointed to myself and said look close, here’s your future. To which she replied, “not if I take care of myself, mom”.

Free to good home. Vaccines are up to date.

I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.

“Sookie!”

-70% of True Blood dialogue

Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period

Inspirational Quote Of The Day..

Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.

I have this odd feeling that I’m going to be that crazy old lady that yells at everyone to get off the lawn.
From my apartment balcony.

Email from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Voicemail from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Text from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Receptionist from the dental office in my kitchen during breakfast on Friday: You have an appt today at 2 pm

ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*

PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way

Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.

Family: Puts on last night’s movie.

Me: Falls asleep.

I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.

My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.

Not everyone was Kung foo fighting

I was just trying to get out of my sports bra

I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser

I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.

Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.

Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.

Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.

My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.

bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this

How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?

SANTA, tied up, black eye: You boys are in a lot of trouble with Mrs. Claus.

HEAD KIDNAPPER: Oh really? And what is she going to do? Bake cookies at us?

SANTA: Well, no. But before we were married, she was Head Valkyrie of Valhalla.

HK: Is…is that so?

*distant Wagner music*

After watching the Thriller music video, my kids asked what Michael Jackson transforms into. I told them he becomes a werewolf & my 4yo said, “why is it called a werewolf when I saw it right there on the TV?”

villain: ironic that the one who shot you is your English professor!

me *dying*: actually it’s coincidental

v *tearing up*: …you passed

Always answer the door wearing a coat.
If you’re pleased to see them, tell them you’ve just got home.
If you don’t want them in, say you were just on your way out.
😁

Museums are a joke like please don’t steal this old shit nobody would never use

babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped

I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”

In third grade a boy gave me a valentine that said “You’re the Obi Wan for me” and that’s the highlight of my entire dating experience.

I heard a noise downstairs, so naturally I came down to investigate in my towel, post-shower.

Exactly. I’M the idiot in a slasher film.

I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?