When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
You Might Also Like
“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”
-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant
The worst thing about millennial parents is that they name their pets human names and their kids pet names. They be like:
“Luna, don’t take Josh’s cone off, he just got spayed!”.
Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down
my brain: knows jfc stands for Jesus Fricking Christ
also my brain: John F. Cennedy
ALSO my brain: Jentucky Fried Chicken
Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.
– Twitter Closing inactive accounts
– Google Closing Inactive accounts
– Internet Archive & Wayback Machine Under Attack
– Nintendo going after Emulators
I’m starting to see a pattern. Now would be the time to back up ANYTHING you have not secured locally.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time
Although I’m not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I’m not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me.
*army rises out of ball pit*
dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?
[they point to bob]
dark lord: you the man, bob
My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”
sales in 2004: buy 1 get 1 free
sales in 2024:
vampire: *goes to bite me*
me: ohhh nooo don’t make me immortal and super strong and sexy aaaahhh
I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.
*after 12 tequila shots*
Left eye – It’s PARTY TIME!!
Right eye – I’m beat, I’m going to lie down in the corner
My coworker just proudly announced that he doesn’t believe in Santa Claus because he an athiest. Uh, sure bro, but also how about because you’re 34?
I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS
I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train
GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks?
SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok
To be honest, I’m annoyed that my 5th grade curriculum didn’t include a ‘Defense against the dark arts’ class.
Granny moaning “godfuckingdammit” as she vomits Red Lobster scampi. @RedLobster: What’s your favorite seaside memory with your grandparents?
[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!
amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19
me: thats okay *hits accept*
amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning
Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [starts testing all the smoke detectors]
I’m not a narcissist.
But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.
I won’t take any criticism on this
Hey Fun Fact:
Remember that “You Wouldn’t Steal A Car” anti-piracy ad? The guy who wrote the music for that ad was never paid for their work
This Fun Fact™ brought to you by:
Stealing — It’s Okay If You’re A Corporation!