when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.
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Girl asked me if I wanted to watch a “romcom” so I’m going to assume she means “Roman Combat” and put on Gladiator.
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple
If I see another Laura on Twitter, I’m going to follow that person.
I’m not saying I’m creating an army of Lauras, but I’m also not *not* saying that.
Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out
IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
Warring nations should hurl their politicians at each other.
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
I think this was a scene from “The Birds”
*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
Waiter: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have an appetizer called Jenga.
A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon
You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.
America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.
My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.
[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain
America: Japanese ads are extremely weird
Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*
“We have a new product, it washes hair but it needs a name”
Shamcrap?!
“Awful”
Shampoop?!
“Get out!”
Shampoo?
“Genius!”
ME: I got us a custom headstone!
WIFE: I’m not being immortalized in one of your dumb jokes
ME: Just read it
WIFE: “Tomb it may concern…”
What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?
Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.
Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.
[first date]
HER: ask me anything..
ME: are you paying for dinner?
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out
“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.
One thing I miss about the pandemic is getting to rip my mask off like I just botched an appendectomy.
My eldest is at the age where she’s starting to ask questions. Tonight she started asking about Father Christmas. My wife calmly took her to another room to answer, leaving me with her younger siblings. We couldn’t hear so I still don’t know what’s up. Hope Santa is OK
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.