when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.
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You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?
everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg
(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon
I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.
It’s time for people to stop being hateful about fat bodies and start being hateful about fat vehicles. I hate SUVs. They look like full diapers squishing down the road, constantly spilling into other lanes. Why do so many people need to drive around in a studio apartment?
Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
My daughter kept saying the new puppies name over and over again only pausing to take breaths. I finally had to tell her “if that thing doesn’t bite you I’m going to” this is how we summer
THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?
ME: ew, why you so jelly?
Me: Maybe I’ll do something fun today
Anxiety: Sounds great, should I bring a sweater?
Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .
Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’
Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’
Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.
I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it
My hair dryer is so powerful that it doubles as my leaf blower.
Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.
Automatic Door: Screw. You.
My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog.
Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey
got my mind on my money and my money
is nowhere to be found.
Mine in the November 4, 2024 issue of The New Yorker
My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste
Anyone else get in trouble for inadvertently making noise while your child films a video for their non existent YouTube channel? I’m telling my fans to subscribe and ring the bell and you ruined it, Mom!
If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?
the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor
I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.
dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you
me: *immediately tases myself*
*strums guitar*
This is a little ditty I’ve been working on called “Stop putting nuts in the god damn brownies”
Hope you like it.
<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right
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