when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.
![]()
You Might Also Like
I put the h in mysterious.
“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”
*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*
I feel like calling it a “nervous system” was just setting me up for failure.
They say women only use 10% of their anger
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it
me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it
under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.
Them: Going camping?
Me: Nope
If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.
“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”
– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad
9yo: Who took my hair tie?
Me: I didn’t.
9yo: I did not ask who didn’t.
‘I want to gossip but professionally.’
– news anchors
Haven’t heard much from the flat earthers recently. Maybe their membership has plateaued.
Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush
[hs reunion]
JANE: i’m an engineer
TOM: i’m a real estate developer
AMY: i’m a lawyer
*everyone looks at me*
ME: *panics* i’m a hospital
The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,
I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.
You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.
Runner: What’s your fastest race?
Me: Taking the trash out at night
Imagine asking me, “What that mouth do?”
And I say, “Come and find out .”
Now it’s the third hour of you listening to me talk nonstop about bees
(On a date at Whole Foods) “Isn’t this place great?”
Cashier: “Sir, please stop standing on the dates.”
I think this cat is broken
As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u
I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.
The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.
THEN WHY IS HE WEARING A BOWTIE? I WANT TO GIVE HIM SPAGHETTI
![]()
[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
[first day as a Detective]
me: omg he was invisible
partner: that’s a chalk outline
me: [under breath] and they stole the body