when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick
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why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake
No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
3-year-old: I need a scarf.
Me: No, you don’t.
3: To tie up bad guys.
She needs a scarf.
*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
My kid told me whenever I don’t wear makeup everyone thinks I look tired. So now we’re playing a fun game of going through the church photo directory to find out exactly who said that about mommy
Me: Go to school!
9yr Old: It’s Sunday.
Me: Go to church!
9yr Old: I’m Jewish.
Me: Convert!
Actually, until you cut into it it’s chocolate *magma* cake. If you could just bring me a menu with the proper nomenclature that’d be great.
Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums
Whenever my daughter starts a sentence with “I saw this Tik Tok that said…”, I know I’m in for some sound advice
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.
When I’m feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I’m 16 again
“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”
– People who haven’t met me yet
Him: The dog ate your take-home final?
Me: Yeah.
Him: So what happened?
Me: Well, a few hours later-
Him: Oh, no.
Me: -he passed the test.
Growing up my half brother convinced me the family of ginger kids in the next street – me also being ginger – were from my Dad’s previous marriage, but told me not to tell anyone. When Dad died I visited them to let them know. You could imagine the confusion as the lie unfolded
I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.
Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
me: dating is hard
me on a date: convicted rainbows go to prisms but it’s usually a light sentence
We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.
Me: Ugh I’ve gained so much weight
Him: It’s ok, babe
Me: [my eyes turn black as the sky darkens; a swarm of locusts encircle us; a priest faints and a demonic voice exits my mouth uttering a simple sound] Oh?
[first day in the crime lab]
me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists
The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Things will get butter, keep churning
We have to ban straws to keep them out of the ocean, because a shark with a mouthful of straws can drain a human of blood in seconds.
Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.
[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?
Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder
I listen to a lot of white noise, so I get really excited when it rains or someone turns on a fan. It’s like seeing my favourite band live.