when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick
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Jupiter
What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.
All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.
[hearing a colleague using their mouse’s scroll wheel] well check out Johnny Longdocument over here
nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head
When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
I shut down my rodent removal business. No more Mr. Mice Guy.
Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.
If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.
I’m not saying my son is competitive, but he was happy he had a higher fever than his brother
*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.
I threw up my hands in disgust last night.
Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this.
*stings person*
FRIEND: That wasn’t dis…
JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.
Does anyone want to be my internet girlfriend?
Requirements:
– Exist (optional)
– Talk to me (not recommended)
– Send nudes (if you want, not to me though, I don’t know what to do with them)
Make a horror film less scary by putting old timey words in the title, i.e. The Thingamabob, Jason Goes To Heck or The Hills Have Peepers.
I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”
Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”
Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”
#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…
A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
Overheard at the grocery store:
“Oh, I need a baguette.”
“A female bag?”
“God, you’re such a himbo, Kyle.”
Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*