when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
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[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
If reports from this daisy are accurate, she loves me not.
[on first date]
Let me get that for you.
*holds door open*
“May I help you, sir?”
Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…
Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.
date: I’m an archaeologist
me: my career is also in ruins
When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?
DOG: Correct
There has never been a better time to go into a shoe store and surreptitiously stuff a note into the largest shoe you can find: “This used to be my family home, you b*****ds. Signed, Old Woman.”
Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.
But it was hollow. And white chocolate.
*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*
Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.
my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.
I took your advice and worked smarter not harder. Now I’m going to need your advice on a good lawyer.
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw
[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?
Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.
Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.
5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating
i wish there were off brand cars like “hey man check out my new Toyoga Dakota”
watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed
If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week
Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months
*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
doctor: any allergies?
me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.
I’m creating an “OnlyDans,” where Dans get together to complain about being called “Dan the man, Daniel-san” and “Danny Boy” our whole lives.
[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]
Doctor: If it gets worse, who should we notify?
Liam Neeson: Next of Kin.
Doctor: It shouldn’t come to that, though. How are you feeling today?
Liam Neeson: High Spirits.
me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon