when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
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[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
Having an indoor/outdoor female cat that isn’t spayed is like having a free refill for kittens.
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes
*watches Forensic Files for tips*
*taps pencil*
*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*
*taps pencil*
*pauses*
*underlines it*
Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night 🙂
Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby
If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie
Can u imagine getting married and having a family and staying in love until u die, then waiting in the afterlife for your wife to join you and she finally dies and ditches u for a dude she knew for three days on a boat instead?? Anyway I’d give Titanic a 9/10
me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people
me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful
Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese
Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?
“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”
Midwesterners: hold my beer
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner
Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends
me: so the wife and I started running the dishwasher in the morning instead of at night and it’s had a real positive impact on our days, for example-
officer writing ticket: i’ll let you go if you just please stop talking
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.
my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music
No parenting books prepared me for the exhaustion of constantly being excited about the mundane stuff that blows my 4 year old’s mind. Wow, a red pen! Wow, our cat! Wow, a slice of cheese with holes in it!
I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.
if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
In one class I have a Bella, an Ella, an Eli and an Ellie. Say those names quickly three times in a row and Bloody Mary appears to steal your freshly sharpened pencils.
