when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
You Might Also Like
publisher: tell me all about it
orwell: it’s about a farm
publisher: sounds good
orwell: with animals
publisher: naturally
orwell: and they’re fascists
publisher: of course
Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.
If by bandwidth you’re talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.
How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what
If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.
ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.
before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”
wife: “no one will remember dont worry”
me: “ok”
[2 mins into my high school reunion]
guy: “yo are you the dude that brought a dog to prom?”
Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.
If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.
[on honeymoon in Paris]
Her: Look, there’s the Eiffel Tower
Me: Wait, I thought you said you’d never been to Paris before?
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
Interviewer: how did you write that song?
Singer: well, I had an epiphany…
Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?
Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.
Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.
So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?
There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
APPLE TV+: Our latest show stars four Oscar winners and costs $75M per episode. We have done zero advertising for it and it has been viewed by approximately 47 people.
NETFLIX: We’re excited to announce a seventh season of our most watched show, Airport Bathroom Toilet Camera.
Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture
Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE
Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.
*sets phone on fire*
Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.
CAT 911: What’s your emer-
CAT: THE PERSON PET ME
CAT 911: What were you doing?
CAT: SLEEPING
CAT 911: I HATE PEOPLE
CAT: I HATE PEOPLE
If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.
[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.
Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.
Me: OMG, what!?
Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.
Me: Phew.
Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.