when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
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I can’t wait for this whole ordeal to be over, so my favorite pizza place can go back to rubbing their bare hands and feet all over my pizza before delivering it to me, like the good Lord intended.
“this corrupt city needs a hard rain. a hard penetrating rain for a dirty city. a thrusting rain. god so deep” – from my novel Sex Rain
Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org
If I ever get married again, I’m writing my own vows. I got different shit to say this time.
Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”
Not sure to be insulted or not, but I cleared out a room of coworkers just by announcing
“I have a plan, trust me”
I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.
When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them
There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”
How’s it going?
“I’m so glad you asked, really need to talk to someone right now”
You’re supposed to say ‘fine’ & ask how I am. Bye.
[me being lowered into my grave]
the grave:
please input the SMS code we texted so we can make sure it’s you
I packed 8 pairs of underwear for a 4 day trip to Vegas. I don’t know what kind of trip I think I’m gonna have but fingers crossed I have it!
Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster
me: it’s the basis for all life on earth if you take my point so technically any form of romance is carbon dating
archaeologist: how did you find me?
This is Patsy. She fell asleep in the rain and is now convinced she’s having an out-of-body experience. 14/10
Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, “YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD,” because I am a mature adult.
[i get pulled over]
cop: have you been out drinking?
me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times
Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.
her: did you wrestle in high school?
me: do my emotions count?
Tonight’s Golden Globes taught us that, no matter how much you spend on surgery, nobody looks good while sweaty.
I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.
Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?
Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did
[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo
At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….
Not as easy as it looks is it?
Wife- Don’t forget the trash.
Me *BATMAN VOICE- I’ll forget whatever I want.
Wife- What did you ju…
Me *Robin voice- I said, yes ma’am.
Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see