When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.
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If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.
You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.
Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !
i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions
Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.
I love salt. What does it even feel like to have too much sodium??
*eats one Slim Jim*
Oh.
Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
him: hands up, this is a robbery!
me *looks around* it’s actually a bank
Noam Chomsky sounds like the legal name of the very hungry caterpillar
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
Me- We are here for some new pants for you. Please go and find a pair that you like and will wear
11- Ok
Me- *Waiting*
11- *Searches entire clothing section, returns and hands me a hat
I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.
What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG
Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.
Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.
ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*
PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way
I’d like to say the best moment of a woman’s life is giving birth, but it’s actually seeing an old nemesis & realizing she got really fat.
[inside fighter jet]
I hate this cd
“change it”
how?
“press eject”
ok
[nothing funny or unexpected happens because they are trained pilots]
ME: Everyone has a soul and since souls are actually ghosts, technically we’re all haunted
ANESTHESIOLOGIST, TO THE SURGEON: I seriously don’t know how she woke up
the craziest thing about plants is like you look up “why are leaves brown” and it’s like “maybe you’re watering them too much. but also maybe not enough. maybe they’re getting too much sunlight. but also maybe they’re not getting enough sunlight. hope this helps :)”
*rolls up sleeves*
*gets high on sleeves*
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.
My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !
HUSBAND: Why are you late?
ME: I was at church.
HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?
Boss: Can you look this up?
Me: (munching on donut) Internet’s closed.
Boss: Oh.
Me: Yeah, I think they’re vacuuming it or something.
I keep a notepad next to my bed so if I wake up with a great idea, I can write it down. Last night, I scribbled “fruit roll-ups,” and I’m not sure what it means, but I think I’m on to something brilliant.