When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.
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My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
My neighbor complained that he couldn’t afford his water bill. So I got him a get well soon card.
Amazon notifies me that my package arrived like it wasn’t unboxed 5 minutes ago.
Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid
Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-
Me: the bottom half
Waiter: very good, sir
My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “I think I’m gay”
Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos
ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.
I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.
Changing my voicemail to “Please don’t call me, I don’t use my phone for that”
Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.
My husband and I made appointments for pedicures and when we got to the salon the person assigned to him is a guy and watching my husband awkwardly try to act like he isn’t enjoying his foot rub is giving me life.
SIRI, CALL FOR HELP! Searching for kelp. OMGYOU IDIOT! SIRI, GET AN AMBULANCE! There are 23 listings for lap dance in your area.
Guy waking up in saw trap if Saw was British: right. what’s all this then
I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
ME: [slowly peeling back sock] It hurts so bad doc, is it gangrene?
DOCTOR: [leaning in with tweezers] Hmm, I see, it appears to be… a red Lego
Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]
Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE
[moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope
Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs
There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
Fun fact of the day: Hugh Hefner took so much viagra in his lifetime that his coffin lid still hasn’t closed all the way.
Give us this day our daily internet validation
guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking
chef: updog
guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that
Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure
Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?
