When I see city workers planting a tree I’m like dude… who’s side are you on?
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*Hears loud noise*
Me: What are y’all doing?
5yo: Nothing. We’re not messing with bowling balls!
When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.
Shame on you if you’re still replying “damn” to selfies. Take a creative writing class.
As the cedars outside my window
swayed with the gentle autumn breeze,
I gazed upon your digital image, madam,
And my bowl of spaghetti fell to the floor
As, nearly, did I…
a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.
Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: ..
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: …
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)
And just like that, civilisation reached its limits
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?
wife: not like this
15 passed his driver’s permit test today. so going forward this will now be a parent horror-comedy account.
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30
[concert]
Lead Singer: HOW’S EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT
Crowd: WOOOO
Me (from the back row): fine how are you
Lead Singer: I’M GOOD THANKS FOR ASKING
Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast
I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.
well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
Why did they call it painting your toenails and not graffeeti
You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.
I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.
I’ve been ill with night terrors, nausea, dizziness, hunger pains, cry fits, and a stutter. According to Web MD, I have a date tonight.
Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I’m fine
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars 🙂
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me
until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity
Got 7yo a cellular device so he could make emergency calls.
Yesterday’s emergency call: 4yo won’t eat her shrimp after I said she had to and he wanted to make sure I knew. 🍤
Always remember…. A mirror never lies.
(Fatty)
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
[Deleting all work emails]
THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!
*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.