Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I used to think I had a Japanese friend.

But it was just my Imagine Asian.

OMG this view is amazing!!!

– me opening the lid on the pizza box

Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?

this is a marine life reminder SHARK tails go side to side WHALE tails go up and down and WHALE SHARK tails go all diagonal like.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

[self checkout]

daaaaang i look good

How to open a letter:

1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO

What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu

*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again

I’m convinced the bulk of my Amazon recommendations derive from Alexa listening to me talking to myself in every room of my house. I don’t even care anymore. I mean, who are we kidding. Just send all the things, Amazon. You have my credit card and know where I live

Me: Please stop responding like Siri, it’s starting to creep me out.

Husband: On it!

If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.

did you get the job?
“i don’t know yet”
when will they tell you?
interviewer: “keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception”

When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.

“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”

If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.

Luke: If you’re such a great Jedi, why don’t you fight Vader yourself?

Yoda:

Luke:

Yoda:

Luke:

Yoda: Other shit to do, I have.

“Mom…dad…the truth is…I just don’t like steampunk.”

*mother weeps into a handkerchief on a telescoping brass gimble-arm*
*father shouts, ‘You’re no son of mine!’ and flies away in his gear-driven veloci-thopter*

A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.

People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.

I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.

the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?

So, I got banned from the toy store today…

Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.

I remember taking my daughter to the movies once and after the second guy in a black leather mask with a zipper mouth showed up I thought, “Hey, this can’t be Frozen.” Anyway, years later, we laugh and laugh about that mistake; her, me and her therapist.

Me: Magic 8-Ball, will I ever find true love?

Cantaloupe: Maybe if you lay off the drugs.

2014: maybe 2015 will be better

2015: maybe 2016 will be better

2016: omg, wtf is happening?

2017: is this a bad dream?

2018: no seriously, WTF?!

2019: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE

Barista: How do you take your coffee?

Me: Seriously. Very seriously.

If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.

Mom says she’s watching a video about dating fossils.

I wonder if that’s how she met Dad?