Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame

DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]

[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudges

Me: And how is my eraser?

Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?

me: *gets in the cart* yes.

Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.

Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal

My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot

[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]

my phone: spam risk

Coworker: What a crazy weekend!

Me: *takes a knee*

CW: What are you doing?

M: Protesting this conversation.

M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?

BOUNCER FOR A COOL BAR: password?

Me: Midnight77

BOUNCER: great *grabs a poster board collage* now which one of these doesn’t contain a stop sign

Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”

The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.

Manager: just got a quick little job for you

Translation: I’ve got a humongous shitty task for you that will make you want to quit your job

I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”

My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”

Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.

I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.

Five-word horror story:

“I’m going that way too”

Wife: [putting cheese on her eggs] do we need to change our diet?

Me: [putting cheese on my oatmeal] oatmeal and eggs are pretty healthy.

Wife: [putting cheese on her cheese] so that’s a no?

Me: [drinking cheese from the blender] definitely a no.

If the Universe is continuing to expand then why does my rent keep going up?

Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.

She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”

Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.

Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.

A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet

If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.

For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.

Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.

Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them