When I see how idiotic people can be, I get jealous of Darth Vader’s force choke ability in those exact moments.
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I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.
Drove by an SUV limo parked on somebody’s front lawn with a “For Sale” sign. Who is buying a random limo on a whim
life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge
the top three reasons people break up:
-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types
A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”
wife: be careful climbing that ladder, it looks dangerous
me: hey, danger’s my middle name
daughter: WHAT?!?
son: SERIOUSLY?!? And I got stuck with Andrew???
”I wonder how long cake is good for before it goes stale?”
*I say to myself as I eat the last slice from a cake made earlier that day
If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.
Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes
[first day as a cashier]
*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.
I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
As a belated Valentine’s Day gift, I am leaving the country for a week.
My husband: how is that a gift if I have to take care of the kids alone?
Me: sorry I was talking to myself
The Struggle
TV 20 years ago: “it starts out clunky but if you suffer through the first 45 episodes it starts to almost get good!”
TV now: “If this 8hrs of tv doesn’t break all viewing records within the first 20 minutes of its release we’re going to shoot the cast”
The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
I saw a woman I work with in line at the pharmacy and instinctively said “hey what are you here for?” She blushed and didn’t respond in case you’re wondering about my ability to create awkward situations
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.
Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.
A general rule of parenting: If you’re having a great day, a 4yo will be along shortly to vomit all over you.
If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.
[confession booth]
ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes
PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this
ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share
PRIEST: you forgot pride
ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this
Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?
Using spin moves while allowing an opponent’s sword to narrowly miss your head forces them to add majestic layers and volume to your hair.
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
My 8-year-old correctly used the word “aesthetic” in a sentence.
When I asked her where she learned it, she said YouTube.
That site is ruining her life. It’s turning her into an English major.