Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Do you have any homework due tomorrow?

13-year-old: Not that I remember.

Me: Do you want to check to refresh your memory?

13: I’d rather not.

Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.

(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family

58.

Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.

I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??

I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.

Went to P-T conferences yesterday and my 9yo was a hit with her teachers. She’s sweet, kind and hardworking. They even said “Great job mom and dad”.

This is the same 9yo who I once told to stop being loud, so she spitefully told Alexa to fart 47 times.

I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.

a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe

If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?

Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.

I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.

5 just told me she is on the phone and it’s not ok to interrupt her work call. Then hushed me as she walked away explained to her coworker how hard it is to work with parents around.

Her “phone” is the kitchen calculator.

After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..

My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….

Flirting is easy!

I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.

You have to sit up to drink coffee in bed. I know that now.

Me as a lawyer:

-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail

“and you are November’s PM yes?”

You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me

I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is

Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾

Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides

A “birthday card” from my 8 y/o…
Hallmark, you hiring?

If I were a gunslinger I’d bedazzle my holster. The other killers wouldn’t take me seriously, maybe think I’m just packing a glue gun. Big mistake.

Van Gone

*pterodactyl wakes his wife up pissing at 3am*
WIFE: I thought your pee was supposed to be silent!!!

I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you

I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust

When my wife left, I was sad, upset and lonely.

Since then I’ve got a dog, bought a motorcycle, started dating again and gained 15 pounds. She’s gonna be pissed when she gets home from work.