When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
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If I had the money to get some work done, I think I’d have them start with the dishes.
lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian
m&m’s call their smallest pack the “fun size”. Sorry, that’s not fun. A 3 lb bag would be a lot more fun
Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them
me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone
firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve
Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.
Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.
Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.
Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.
Loan shark put my mind at ease by explaining it wasn’t a threat, it was a promise.
Me: *flips pillow to the cool side*
Cool Side of the pillow:
BEAT IT NERD!
Me: *flips pillow back to the nerd side*
Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood
Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK
Dracula: vhoa
-Why do you carry that lazy dog on your shoulders, he can walk
-Mind your business
-Looks like dog actually wants to get down
-I forgot my coat, okay?
*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK
“Is that a banana in your pocket?”
-banana farm security, checking workers as they leave for theft
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim’s nose?
Accused: No. *cries into palms
Baby Judge: O, great, he’s disappeared again.
Wife: this is why I don’t take you shopping
Me: [hiding in the middle of a department store clothes rack] try to find me
Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.
just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics
The 5 second rule doesn’t apply when you drop the last m&m in the bag. If it takes an hour to find it, so be it.
i want wolverine claws. not for violence or anything. i want them for easing my way through reality. like opening an amazon package. or killing a neighbor.
DOG 911: what’s ur emer-
DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME
DOG 911: can you bite it?
DOG: I CAN’T SPIN FAST ENOUGH
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.
What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.
How many Avengers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. Ant-Man and Wasp are the only ones small enough to fit inside a lightbulb.
My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.
if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption
Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.