When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
You Might Also Like
Getting fat sucks
Just not as much as vegetables
WANTED: Sanity
LAST SEEN: In store, right before I told my 4 year old that he couldn’t get a new toy
REWARD: 4 year old
The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
In Mission Impossible 3, Ethan’s cover job is working for the Department of Transportation so that when he talks about how “traffic has a memory” people get bored and stop asking questions, but that wouldn’t work on me. I would ask him so many questions he would have to kill me.
My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
So, I went to look into this Eat Clean Bro thing, I accidentally put in Eat Bro Clean and well, that is a different kind of diet.
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.
How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it
Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you
Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person
30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
Said the murderer.
1st birthday party: *intense Pinterest deep dive, starts buying things 6 months in advance, starts decorating a month before party*
7th birthday party: *oh shit, the party is in 2 days. Guess I should order some food or something*
I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
going to office: late
.
going to a doctors appointment: late
.
going to a friends house: late
.
going to a concert: 8 hours early
Add “af” to the end of all business emails for maximum corporate whimsy
After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. 🙁
Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you
One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72
Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper
Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.
people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire