When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
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(sees a hot guy at the bar)
me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere
tweeting shouldn’t cost money but it should flip you on your back like a bug for 15 minutes
The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.
Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time
I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.
me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
Little known fact:
Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
I’ve never been into sports so some friends were explaining why they love college football and the intense competition and loyalty and I said “So it’s like the Great British Baking Show but violence instead of cake” and they did not like that extremely accurate comparison.
*When you can teleport through your phone*
Hello! Can you here me?
Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.
I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.
Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔
If Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson returned to wrestling to fight Sammy ‘The Scissors’ Nelson would it appear on paper view?
ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
Finally I have an excuse for getting fat, heard on radio about girl who been eating in her sleep … That’s it, I’ve got that !
Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.
“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”
Nobody invites me to spa day…
Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.
Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.
We’re having company over today, so naturally my husband is helping me prepare by looking for the soil testing kit that he bought over a year ago.
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊
The First 48 is on from now until 4am. If anyone needs me I’ll be on my couch solving homicides and eating schnacks.
(Don’t need me)
Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school
Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.