Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.

“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”

“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”

“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”

I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.

[puppy farm]

PUPPY: Crops look good this year

Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.

(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?

No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.

You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me

*interrupts eulogy*
SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL

[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.

OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE

U know how In a box of chocolates there’s always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. “Put a gross one in there” I said

Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat

[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.

I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.

in a home invasion my attacker goes for a knife in the kitchen drawers but it’s jammed by the potato masher and I make my escape

me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn

SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.

ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait

I think more men would go to therapy if it was competitive. “Fourteen points in healthier communication? Yes! Eat my dust, Kyle! You emotionally unavailable loser!”

me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table

waiter: white or red

me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers

Me: *looking at phone*
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: Oh, yay! I was afraid you’d say it was too expensive.
Me: Crap.

My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat

I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume

*demon enters my body

*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist

Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?

Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman

If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.

I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts

It’s too funny that Michael Chiklis signed on to do Gotham in a relatively straightforward role and then a year later they had him looking like Furiosa

Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?

Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*

Yes, yes I do

A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.