When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.
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me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.
This chick last night told me to do her like her ex husband so I drained her bank accounts and banged her sister
A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.
In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.
My 4yo said he was playing at lunch with a girl from his class at school.
Me: Which game were you playing?
4: Lava Queen and Assistant!
Me: Let me guess. You were the assistant?
4: How did you know, daddy?!
Daddy knows.
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.
“Give me the bad news, Doc–how long have I got?”
“Your wife’s procedure will be an outpatient one so unfortunately you can’t go to Vegas.”
[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?
I accidentally left two bags of broccoli in a 90 degree car for 3 days and boy does it smell like I left two bags of broccoli in a 90 degree car for 3 days.
Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.
Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December
My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
My current diet all ends with an S.
Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.
Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up
I’m voting [cheers] for a third party candidate [boos] in a blue state [mixed response] in the chalamet lookalike contest [quizzical looks]
In my will, when I die…
To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.
Found a free bandaid at the pool.
I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.
*makes sandwich*
*sits down to eat it*
*sees dog staring at me*
*rips off small piece*
*gives her the rest*
Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
What should we call this portable computer?
SOME GUY: Laptop
[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]
Fun prank: Tweet “Brb gonna pet the tigers in the zoo” and then don’t tweet for nine years.
Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms
Kidnappers: We have your husband. Send us $10,000 if you ever want to see him again.
Me: Where I should drop off his clothes?
[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.