Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

nothing makes me want to hold onto the stuff I no longer use more than when my wife tells me she’s putting it in the garage sale

I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.

Him: Hey girl, what’s your sign?

Me: My favourite is probably “McDonalds, Next Exit” what’s yours?

Hey guys if anyone was thinking about asking me to cut their hair I’d strongly encourage against it and any further questions on that can be directed to my boyfriend who is now, as of 20 minutes ago, for reasons no one can quite pinpoint, more or less bald

👀

With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.

*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*

Me: You there! What year is it?

Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-

Me: I’m from the future, yes

Tupac: To deliver a message!

Me: No

Tupac:

Me: I’m just going to live here

Tupac:

Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though

These are troubling times, but as an incredibly drunk philosopher once said, “you can’t make lemonade without breaking a few eggs”

“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.

Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car

I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.

BOSS: I need to see you in my office

ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright

My wife refuses to hire a housekeeper bc *checks notes* she doesn’t want them to see this mess.

[on a first date]

Her: …
Me: …

EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?

I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭

Daughter: will you help me with my philosophy paper.

Me: who are you writing about?

Daughter: I haven’t picked anyone yet.

Me: sounds like you put Descartes before dehorse lol.

Daughter: seriously?

Me:

Daughter:

Me: Kant stop won’t stop : )

If you’re thinking about getting married just know you can ruin the next eighteen years of your life for a lot less money by buying a cockatiel instead.

My attempt to impress her with the tale of how I’d managed to fend off a hangry bear on a camping trip was ruined when AC decided I’d fired a warning ‘shit’, instead.

Now she thinks I’m both a coward and not to be trusted on her furniture.

[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]

*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this

[sitting on my couch eating matzah slathered in Nutella, watching Masterchef] wow I can’t believe he didn’t bake his cheesecake in a water bath

If you’re trying to impress me with your vehicle it better be a food truck.

It’s my 23rd wedding anniversary today and my husband decided to share a picture of us where I’m standing at Cape Spear at 5am, swollen faced, no make up, not even smiling. He, however, looks great and I’m glad for him because the last anniversary post should be the best.

*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*

My child: Can I help?

Me: *straight up hissing noises*

{4 way stop}

Aliens: *radioing home base* We really need to give up on this planet

Dogs should be allowed to drive.

Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.

“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block

FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!

ME: This reminds me of a time

FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*

Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.

Nature abhors a vacuum

My dog: frfr