Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

4-year-old: Are goats real?

Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.

4: *runs away*

Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”

It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.

her: so, what should i do now?
doctor: inform your partner
her: i don’t know if i can face him
doctor: you can write him a note
her: that’s a great idea!

Me: Do you need a sample?

Nurse: Ma’am we just need to swab your throat

Me: But I gotta pee and I don’t want it to go to waste

Someone 20yrs younger than me was flirting with me & asked for my phone number. I thanked him & said that’s a bit too Demi and Ashton for me, but it was very sweet of him.

Reader, he was too young to know who I was talking about.

Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work

Bloody internet 😳

My 8yo had his hair styled nicely this morning so I asked what he put in it to look so good……and he said it was oil from the pan I roasted broccoli in last night.

You really can’t make this stuff up.

When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.

If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.

Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.

It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?

$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?

8yo: *drawing family portrait*

Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?

8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*

I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.

My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.

one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king

Just watched a video in which a young lady referred to some shoes from the 90s as “vintage” so you can go ahead and shovel the dirt over me now

I’m a pediatrician.

Oh, so you’re into feet?

Uh no…children.

Isn’t that illegal?

I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.

My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.

ME: “Hey, the 1980s called and they want their pants back”
STRANGER WHO IS SECRETLY A TIME COP: “They called?! That’s a level 3 violation!”

These people at work keep interrupting my naps.

My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.

If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.

[saying goodnight in French]

me: bon nuit

autocorrect: bone unit

Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..

6-year-old: You lose.

Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.

6: That was your first mistake.

[concert parking lot]

SON: Can I have $20 for a shirt?

ME: Hold on. [grabs college kid] Want to buy a gummy? Purple Haze… $20. It’ll blow your mind.

KID: Sure! Here you go. Thanks!

SON: DAD… ARE YOU A DRUG DEALER?!?

ME: No, they’re from Costco. Here, go buy a shirt.