When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.
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Here’s a little song I wrote about the birds in the bush outside my bedroom window it’s called “I’m Wide Awake and Angry at 4 AM” and a one and a two
This checks out
it’s so over update: accidentally pushed the button that set my desk into standing mode but couldn’t be bothered to get up so spent 10 mins like this until someone walked past and shamed me into resolution
A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
angel: sir, we’ve invented daylight
God: it’s so harsh, you can see every little imperfection. How do you expect people to procreate?
angel: we also invented tequila
God: You’re beautiful. Aren’t you?
Peacock: Yes. Thanks for creating me.
God: *Starts giggling*
Peacock: What’s so funny, god? Why are you laughing?
God: you’re called peacock. *Bursts into laugh*
Peacock: WHAT THE FFUU..
God: And you cant speak.
[Incoherent bird noise]
How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea
Me: *rocks boat*
Her: Hey!
Me: *rocks faster*
Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?
Me: I do.
Bought the ‘Sounds of the Rainforest’ cd, not as relaxing as I hoped. The 1st half was birds chirping, rest was chainsaws and bulldozers
The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.
I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please
[milking a cow]
Cow: ooh, harder, daddy, harder
Farmer: what?
Cow: I mean – moo
If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman
Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I’ll fire you
Me: ok
Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory
Me: oh no
Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t
Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool
Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2
Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??
Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.
I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.
It’s literally my first instinct.
In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.
*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth
ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening
I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad
Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.
Dr: He has a lot of blockage
“So my Dad has a bad heart?”
Dr: He also donates to charity
“So he has a good heart?”
Dr: Ya, it evens out
Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.