When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.
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According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt
this is the kind of friend i am
Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?
Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.
Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!
Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life
Green Shell Koopa Dad: If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?
Red Shell Koopa Son: No
Dad: This is the problem with your generation
My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.
whenever i wake up before my alarm
Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅
This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™
me, disguised as a lamb: *into earpiece* target is headed to school
spy hq: none suspect you, right?
me: roger
spy hq: keep her in sight
[later]
teacher: mary, does your lamb follow you everywhere you go?
me: i’ve been made
spy hq: abort mission! ABORT!! ABORT!!!
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:
For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash
Teacher “Hi, why are you here?”
Me “Um, isn’t this the beginners’ philosophy class?”
Teacher “Yes and you’re off to a really bad start.”
my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me:
My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.
Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.
Me: I’m not old
My phone flashlight that’s been on for an hour for no reason:
My 7 yr old son drew a picture of an old woman.
I asked him who it was & he replied
“She comes into my bedroom to kiss me goodnight”
A chill ran down my spine then I remembered my mum is staying with us & it’s probably her.
[trying to ride a horse]
ME: oh shit how do i slow down?!
GUY OUTSIDE THE SUPERMARKET: this is for children
Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.
[First date]
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m a florist”
WHY DON’T YOU LIKE THE FLOOR? WHAT HAS IT DONE TO YOU, IS IT BECAUSE IT’S LAVA?
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming