When I see snails in my path, I like to gently pick them up out of if harms way, and ‘whizz’ them magically a few metres, and plop them where they were headed. Keeps them safe, but I also like to think they later share their teleportation tales with other snails.
Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.
Cop: Again, license and registration please
My favorite part of Furiosa is when that guy gets killed and falls off a moving vehicle.
[to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE
The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
Started sex work and one of my clients came to my house, she complained that it’s too hot. She asked “don’t you have AC?”
I said no… OnlyFans
My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!
It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5
Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”
Good morning, Twitter x
hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER
Single worst piece of software ever invented
Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.
M: If someone calls you the wrong name is it rude to correct them?
Interviewer: I meant questions about the job, Kim.
M: Well, I’m Ursula.
ME: There’s a dead fly in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: There’s a dead fly in a tiny burning longboat in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: A cricket bard sings his spirit into the next world
WAITER: Yes
ME: My compliments to the chef
day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.
The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.
dentist: u need to floss
me: no
dentist: my other patient who wouldn’t floss lost all his teeth
me: really
dentist: in a fistfight
me: that sounds unrelated
dentist: it was my fist. do what i say
The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.
My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:
1) Me
2) My Best Friend
You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
My five stages of waking up:
1)Denial
2)Denial
3)Denial
4)Denial
5)Extreme hostility
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?
“Nah”
*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*
Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it
