When I see snails in my path, I like to gently pick them up out of if harms way, and ‘whizz’ them magically a few metres, and plop them where they were headed. Keeps them safe, but I also like to think they later share their teleportation tales with other snails.
People are so trusting on mushroom forums. They ask for help identifying wild shrooms they found, and give you just one blurry picture taken from fifty yards away.
“Is this safe to eat? 🍄”
I’ve seen clearer pictures of Bigfoot, but yeah, go for it. It’s probably fine.
love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments
Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
When a cop asks if I know why they pulled me over, I worry I’ll confess to a crime spree. That’s crazy tho, so I laugh and say, ‘probably because I let you’.
i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.
“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.
I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.
[to serial killer]
WAIT! If you kill me, you’ll never know how my erotic vampire fan fiction turns out!
*killing intensifies*
It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”
🤣😂
So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.
What was your favorite part of school today?
1st child: My teacher told me that I was a great helper!
2nd child: Taking toys away from my friends!
I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
if i honk at this person maybe it will make them a better person
Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like ‘Stabbyrabbit’ or ‘Weaponrat’
The world: “That movie is abysmal trash and should never have been made.”
Horror fans: “I own it on VHS, DVD, blu-ray and 4K and watch it twice a year.”
You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.
Officer there’s nothing in my trun.. [hundreds of dead tamagotchis fall out. The younger cop vomits]
Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy
Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial
I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago
I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.
Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
”How’d you get that scar on your head?”
[remembers falling at the playground as a kid]
”Stopped a bank robbery”
dr: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
dr: so how often is that?
me: *turning to 12* when were you born?
Me: Do you like being right-handed?
Hubby: Umm, sure… why?
Me: Take another one of my fries again and see…
When a millenial asks why everyone in old photos have red eyes I tell them they were too young to remember the great demon uprising of the 1980s.
