When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
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Me: Ew, what sort of shop is this? It just sells dead birds?
My cat: Pick out whatever you want, birthday boy. It’s on me.
Asked for Cheez-its
Wife buys Cheese Nips
Now she’s sitting in the corner thinking about what she did.
The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”
*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?
The Seven Deadly Sins:
1. Envy
2. Gluttony
3. Greed
4. Lust
5. Pride
6. Calling Lego ‘Legos’
7. Wrath
CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.
An elderly Lady apologized for blocking the aisle at the store. I said “don’t even worry about it,” to which she replied, “oh yeah, cause I was reeeeeally worried about it.”
Guys, I think I just saw future me.
Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.
I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol
if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
*slaps knee*
My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital
I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.
Turducken – Noun – The act of avoiding monkey projectiles.
Me in January: (stuffing tangled lights and ornaments into unlabeled boxes) Problem for another day!
Me in December: Son of a b****
I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.
Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five onion rings
Four calling birds
Three french hens
Two turtle doves, and
A partridge in a pear tree….Dwayne Johnson: Yup, that’s today’s meal prep done!
my cartoon in the New Yorker this week
I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN
Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.
A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
God: You have been freed from the shackles of corporeal form, my son. All of time and space are yours to experience. What will you do?
Spirit me: Probably just hang around my old apartment and make an occasional weird noise at night.
[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
4 months ago,I started a poultry business with 4 chicken🐣 ,And I’m here to tell you that I successfully ate all of them😂😂
Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.
Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
Him: don’t you mean desert?
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}
I’ve got the longest to do list for today, just need to figure out who is going to do it
Old men’s pants creep higher & higher up their waist into their armpits.
At the end of their lives they’re just a pair of pants with a head.