when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”
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My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.
(Creating the platypus)
God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*
Angel: What?
God: You know *hip thrusts*
Since Twitter, I’ve learned to watch TV with my ears
Just pulled into the ‘Expecting Mothers’ parking spot at Walmart because I’m fully expecting to lose my shit on one of my kids in there.
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
A dating app for angry people- Grumble
Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.
Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.
I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile
My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped
“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows
Saw “45 mins” at the top of a food blog and at this point I just assume that’s how long it will take me to get to the actual recipe
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted
HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?
HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?
I plan on being Batman for Halloween.
And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.
the way parents struggle with understanding remote work is funny.
me: *comes down to grab some water*
mum: is everything okay, did you take permission?
mil: are they happy with you?
me: 😂😂😂😂 I Dont know guys, leave me alone 😂
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.
My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.
the eight spiders I swallowed last year have woven together the microplastics inside me to create a tiny starship enterprise and are zooming towards my brain as we spe
HER: I’d invite you in, but I never kill on a first date
ME: kill?
HER: haha I meant kiss stupid autocorrect
ME: we are talking out loud
Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15
I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.
UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes
What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:
1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake
Probably one of the hardest things for Pinocchio to pull off was complimenting his friend’s experimental theater piece.
The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.
I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.
Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.
MOBSTER: *cracks knuckles*
ME: that supposed to intimidate me?
*his fingers start to glow like glowsticks*
ME: k I’m scared but thats rad