when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”
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If you think you’re going to be in a dangerous situation, dress accordingly. Don’t wear flip-flops to a bank robbery, for example.
me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it
no one:
not a soul:
my daughter: if I ever get rich I’m going to buy a family crypt for all of us because we don’t want random dead people buried around us
when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
If you love something, set it free…
Except if ‘It’ is a man.
Because he’ll get lost,
and won’t ask for directions.
(The most unconvinced I have ever been in my life) that makes sense
I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.
*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB
Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
[Grade 6]
TEACHER: You can’t end a sentence with a preposition.
ME: You just did.
TEACHER: What?
ME: Ended a sentence with “a preposition.”
All excellent questions
ME: I wish dogs could talk but they all have Scottish accents lol
GENIE: Umm, alright then, second wish?
ME: I wish cats could talk but they all have Italian accents lmao
G: Most people wish for world peace or money
ME: I wish you weren’t so judgemental
G: Wow Max great work
netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever
STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??
ME: *slowly stands up*
I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.
So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.
me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into
prison guard: no talking after lights out
The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?
I think they need to come up with an explanation for these massive bat ear things other than Batman likes to pretend he’s a bat. Like there should be a scene where he explains it’s for wifi so he doesn’t use all his monthly data.
So apparently going to the medicine store’s manager with a pack of condoms asking them where the changing rooms are will get you banned from the medicine store.
ME: OMG I CAN’T BREATHE I ATE WAY TOO MUCH CALL A DOCTOR
HER: do you want dessert?
ME: ok, but just a small slice.
Wife: There is something wrong with you
Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson
i’m getting my wisdom teeth taken out on monday. i know most people get this procedure done when they’re like 16 but i think the move is waiting to do it when you’re 25 and depressed cause then you can appreciate the drugs a lot more
Due to inflation my love will now be costing a thing
“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn
Warning:
This movie contains “Adult Themes” such as interest rates, bad knees, back pain, and excitement about going to bed early.
#WhyDoPeopleThinkItsOkayTo replace letters in words with numbers….well now i don’t feel like reading the math equation you just sent me
“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession