*When I see someone else jaywalk*
“What an idiot.”
*When I jaywalk*
“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”
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It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.
Dude acted like he’s never seen a guy eating a rotisserie chicken in the hotel sauna before.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.
Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.
Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.
Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.
PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?
ME: Well, now you made it weird.
Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo
I just want to walk in to a random workplace, put fish in the microwave for 10 minutes on high. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks.
i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video
Him: What’s your baby’s name?
Her: Angel of Death
Him: err..
Her: ..it’s from the Bible.
Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.
Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing
Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys
“Traaains”
– traveling zombies
Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
I just discovered that Flemish rabbits are pregnant for only one month but my jealousy went away when I found out they give birth to litters of 5-12 at a time, I guess I’ll stick to being human
date: tell me about yourself
me: I want to kill the moon
date: I have a bit of a dark side too
me: [narrows eyes]
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs
I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
I can fix him.
“And there was this one time…”
*scuffle scuffle*
*muffled swearing*
*mic drops*Me, giving a wedding toast
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!
“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”