When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
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Was trying to get shots of my new hair and you can see exactly the moment I spotted the enormous daddy long-legs on the wall
{Working as a bouncer}
ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*
Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
I’ve never seen anything sadder than me in a black cape under the salon lights with wet hair parted incorrectly by a solid inch
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
GOD: welcome to Heaven I will answer any question you want now.
ME: why does Target have 25 checkout lanes with only 2 always open?
GOD: …
Pizza is a good argument against nihilism.
[party]
GUY: Let’s play a drinking game!
ME: Yahtzee!
GUY: That’s not a drinking game.
ME: Haha yeah right then what’s the cup for?
[everyone looks at each other]
ME: {holding stomach} What’s the cup for?
I will (and I can’t stress this enough) touch whatever you tell me not to touch.
WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there
tub, pail, can, vat, jug, kettle, cask, pot, keg, barrel, bowl…
…. making a bucket list
“Dude, do you NOT know what a collar on the doorknob means?”
Simple enough.
CASHIER: what, no tip?
ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt
CASHIER: no, i meant money
ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)
Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
Lots of people comparing Trump to ISIS and Hitler. Wow. Take it easy, guys! That’s not very nice to ISIS or Hitler.
Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
Putting an ‘e’ at the end of words (ie Pointe, Crowne) makes something fancy as shite.
Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.
It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.
Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.
PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
[pretend restaurant]
4-year-old: what do you want ?
me: pizza
4: we don’t have pizza
me: what do you have?
4: nothing
me: I’ll have nothing
4: we don’t have that
me: *throws table* this is bullshit!
I am such a fun person and so easy to get along with as long as the layout I have secretly imagined for the entire day goes exactly as I planned it without variation or interruption
At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.
I once had a boyfriend cheat on me with my best friend but that pales in comparison to the betrayal I feel when an Amazon ‘Get it by tomorrow’ order arrives two days late