When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.
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[Reading to 6 about sea turtles this AM before school]
Me: “A nest of sea turtle eggs that is in colder temperatures will hatch all male. A nest in warmer temperatures will hatch all females.” Hmm, cool. Didn’t know that.
6: *thinking* Sooo…Mommy was hot when she had me?
Me:
My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors
torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*
me: please, no! I have a baby!
torturer: how old?
me: three months
torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that
No I don’t carry “a” grudge. I carry like 20 grudges and keep about 50 more in storage to sort through later.
Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
In my teens: I won’t wear a jacket because they’re not cool.
In my 30’s: I will bring this blanket into the restaurant and be the coziest.
If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.
Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.
DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?
ME: Sure, I gave her ‘the look’
DATING COACH: Show me
*I bite my lip seductively*
DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?
There are people that make their bed every morning and people who think it’s a waste of time and then they marry each other.
Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
I love how Hello Fresh always gives me way more garlic than I need. I admire a company not afraid to take a firm stance against Dracula.
Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.
me: what’s your favorite part of fall?
4: jumping in piles of leaves
me: that’s fun. do you like anything else?
4: money
People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.
me: i have an imaginary gf
therapist: u can do better than that
me: i know, it’s just–
therapist: i was talking to her
In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.
Work from home? I don’t even work from work.
the 4-year-old’s “favorite stick” broke and she wants me to glue it back together. Will she succeed in getting me to fix a god damned stick from nature
love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face
I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.
ME: I’m going to start a blog.
FRIEND: Ugh. Blogs are so narcissistic. I just talked about that on my podcast.
*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice
are americans worse off?
in 2012, j crew’s bowery chino cost $79.50. today, the giant chino is $98. that’s a ~23% increase in price but 800% more chino.
Me: when I was your age we had nine planets
6: what happened? We only have 8 now.
Me: aliens destroyed one because the kids wouldn’t keep their room clean.
6: 😳
Hubby: um honey…
Me: what? It’s better than the truth!
COP: do you know why I pulled you over
ME: knock knock
COP: who’s there
ME: do you know why I pulled you over
COP: *begins to sweat* n..no
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.