When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.
You Might Also Like
My little niece ate her chocolate Easter bunnyâs face because she âdidnât like the way it was looking at herâ
Iâm locking my bedroom door tonight
It took 3 minutes to get my baby out via c-section and yet it takes me a solid 15 minutes to get a toy out of its packaging!?!?
Why am I easier to open than a toy?!?
Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!
{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler
Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?
Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.
I would run in my flip flops, but I donât want you to fall in love with me.
Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?
Stan was confident he was no longer able to make quick getaways because the holes were now smaller.
I asked my 4yo what he was eating and he said âpeople,â which was quite alarming until I realized he was holding Sour Patch Kids.
WHY DO BUGS KEEP FLYING AROUND YOU WHEN YOU ARE CLEARLY TRYING TO KILL THEM
friend: why do u look sad
me: I have wrongdog
friend: what’s wrongdog
me: *big breath in*
Prof. Oak: you get to travel the world
Ash: i’m a kid
Oak: catch a wild animal to protect you
Ash: that sounds dangerous
Oak: keep it caged in a ball
Ash: kinda harsh
Oak: catch’em all
Ash: you okay bro
Oak: *grabs Ash by the collar* USE THEM TO BEAT UP OTHER PEOPLES PETS
The question I ask myself most often is, âWhat would a jury think about this?â
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and đđđ
*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO
Why is it then when things are going well we say everything is âpeachyâ? What elevated the peach above all other fruits to define itself as all that is good? What did it do to deserve such an accolade?
I see you peach, and Iâm watching
I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.
Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.
[first day at the cia]
supervisor: we need you to plant these bugs.
me: [nodding furiously] because thatâs where they live.
I donât know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.
i think we should see other cousins
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: âWhat on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”