When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.
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bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”
Is a guy eating peach halves the equivalent of a chick eating a banana?
Asking for a friend…
…but hurry up, I’m almost to the checker
Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.
…anyway I thought that piece of hair was a spider on my shirt
Me, explaining why I ended up naked in Walmart
Met a man named Drew like 3 days ago. We exchanged numbers. This morning I woke up in a group chat, started by his alleged wife, with 8 other women. It’s been comedy and chaos ever since 😂.
To all staff: the library now uses new programs for collaboration, project management, scheduling, and messaging. Each has different password requirements with 12-factor authentication. This will boost productivity for the 20 minutes a day that you’re not logging into something.
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
🎶 I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
As a copywriter, I’ve noticed more people are using ‘whilst’ instead of ‘while.’ WHILE you can use either, WHILST is formal so it always sounds pompous and full of shit. Would you say WHOMST? No you WOULDST NOT.
guys I wanna start watching the news but I’ve never seen a single episode and I don’t have time to watch it all before the new season starts can one of you catch me up?
When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??
If you date a guy long enough he’ll start to sound like your dad when you were in junior high:
“Have fun! Be safe! Call me when you get there! Don’t talk to boys!”
How times have changed.
I don’t think people are allowed to complain about a Wonka Experience that sold itself as a day of magical whimsy then delivered uncanny horror beyond comprehension
My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer
[texting]
her: 🍆+🍑
me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*
her: YES!!!!
The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom
Nice romantic weekend with the husband.
Me: Babe I just took my sleeping pill you have about 15 minutes to get some.
Husband: My stomach is bothering me from dinner.
Me: Ok goodnight
ME: Can you have it fixed by Friday?
ABACUS REPAIR GUY: I wouldn’t count on it.
ME: I know. How about Friday?
Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?
Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot
*posts “Glitter is my favorite color”*
*sits back to smirk while 347 strangers tell me glitter isn’t a color*
Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
*3 running a brush through my hair*
3: I’m making your hair pretty
Me: Thank you
3: instead of so ugly
Me:
I can’t get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.
There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious
The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’