When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.
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I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password
I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.
Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.
“I want her skin.”
-Serial killers and teenage girls
hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
Stop making mini snacks, people. Never have I been like, “wow this is a delicious cupcake. If only it were 1/4 of the size.”
Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?
Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.
I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.
whatcha thinkin bout
FINE, I WON’T.
Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.
I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.
When I was 20 my hairdresser pointed out my first gray hair.
It’s weird how she was never seen or heard from again.
Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies
Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.
you never realize how long a minute is until you’re doing cardio.
If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”
I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.
He f**ng waved.
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.
I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.
Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.
Welcome to your 40s, your level of cleaning is directly related to whether your guest can see without readers.
I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong
[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.
ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.